02/01/2019

Welcome back to the New Year, I had a good feeling about the lottery over Christmas but sadly, and strangely, it didn’t come to fruition!  However, I am convinced that this will be our year – let’s hope its sooner rather than later…..

I have no intention of doing dry January – it’s just too difficult, and besides I have kids.  I have also decided that New year’s resolutions are also out – they are just too stupid.  Anything I need to do, I am already doing it like being careful with money for example, even more so given the stock markets are set to not be too clever this Year.

I’ll be round shortly to get the cash.

09/01/2018

With the recent increase in stabbings and general nastiness in the Capital, there is an air of fear on the Tube that I have noticed.  No one makes eye contact or speaks, not that they did that much before but it just seems worse.  I was thinking about this on the journey in this morning, when we were suddenly held in a platform due to a passenger alarm going off on a train ahead.  As this was announced the 20 or so people around me, to a man (in a non-sexist way), groaned audibly!

Not ‘Oh, the poor person ahead, hope they are OK’ but ‘Oh no, I’m now delayed!’ – #OnlyMe…..

It’s not all bad news and a one way trip to a Mad Max type apocalypse, some chap did offer his seat to a lady out of kindness and she politely declined and thanked him for the gesture.

We really need to win this bad boy now so I can stop my personal decline to cynicism.

16/01/2019

Over the Christmas period I found myself at a function with the family (seems a long time ago now).  It’s nice to catch up with some of friends and acquaintances, we are all busy people so once a year is generally the frequency – and as it turned out thank goodness.  One of the chaps, a friend of a friend was there who I’d met a couple of times before, started chatting to me but for the life of me I can’t recall a word he said. This was due to an impressive thatch cascading out of just one of his nostrils, (the other was clear).  All thoughts of chit chat and small talk went straight out of the window as my eyes flipped from one side of his proboscis to the other.

What had happened here?  Had he been in mid-trim when a sudden and urgent call from elsewhere which took him away?  Maybe he was part of some secret cult that platted one side of the nose topiary to mark them out?  Had no one told him? 

Either way a distinct feeling of nausea came over me (well more tsunami if I am honest) and I felt compelled to make my excuses and seek alternative company, before I revved up all over his shoes.  I mean I was starting to wonder if the different colours are part of the natural hair colouring or from introduced environmental mucus.  Put me right off the dips.

Let’s hope the party we have to celebrate our first lottery win includes a nose wax.

 

24/01/2019

I was in the supermarket the other day picking up some conserve from the finest range and amongst the usual ones on offer; strawberry, raspberry, black currant, etc, was one called ‘Hedgerow’.  In the first few nano seconds of wondering what this was I had visions of red berry’s, insects and bits of Robins in it, but then the picture on the front had blackberry’s and apples on it. Hmmn, don’t apples grow on trees? 

Then the cynic in me kicked in and I realised it was the jam factory floor sweepings of all the other lines that didn’t make it in to their specific categories…… however then I saw the price and a 50p saving is a 50p saving (right Paul?)! 

Actually, it tastes pretty good! Let’s nail this thing so we can afford proper flavoured jam.  It will take our minds off the Brexit fiasco going on at the mo, bit of tasty jam is just the thing to take our minds elsewhere as we go off the inevitable cliff.

Also why I’m here, we seem to be marvellously good at getting 3 numbers, which now nets £30 a time.  As such I’m giving everyone’s account £10 (or 5 weeks) so don’t panic if you don’t see me popping round for a chat to collect for a bit.

 

30/01/2019

More evidence this week of people in need of a brain transplant, a group of people seen at a pedestrian crossing waiting for the green man – but no one had pressed the button…..

Mind you as lemmings go, we carry on week in, week out putting down our hard earned cash on Lotto tickets so maybe they could have the last laugh after all.

 

06/02/2019

New week, new building.  We are City boys now and thus require extra cash to be able to keep up with the capitalist Joneses.  Let’s hope that we win it this week (no time like the present, eh?) so we can began whopping our wad out and behaving badly.

We just need some nicer trains on the Moorgate line now. The scum class trains have a protective layer of grime over everything and even on a dry day, taking a seat will give you a damp feeling.  On the way home yesterday I did see a variation of a window licker from a fellow traveller, when he decided to randomly drag his fingers over the window in a shape of a cross.  I remember thinking to myself that that was a bad idea anywhere, let alone when you can see the filth, didn’t he know the general, golden rule of public transport?  Never touch any more than you need to and wash hands thoroughly ASAP once the journey is over.

Maybe that was suspicious enough behaviour to text 61016 to get the men in white coats pick him up at Finsbury Park. Nice to know the nutters aren’t confined to West End bound commuters.

 

13/02/2019

From West End Boys to City Slickers, we are now week two in the new Big Brother Office.  The bigger areas are great and surroundings modern and clean, though let’s face it even if they were caked in farm yard muck, they would still be better than the old office.

Even with the teams resident contractor based on the other side, it’s comforting to know he is still there, even if he does block the TV when his desk is raised.  You can’t always see him but he is like verbal version of an Old Masters portrait – it doesn’t matter where you are in a large room you can still hear him.  With our bonus letters firmly in our grasping hands and, well, let’s go with ‘in-line with expectations’ it really is time to nail this lottery thing.  Least then we can treat ourselves to the expensive things in life such as Rolex’s, kettles and toasters etc.

 

27/02/2019

Two weeks.  This may seem like a new ‘thing’ but this an actual unit of time.  In fact, to most blokes, it has become the equivalent of 40 days and nights from biblical times, a unit of time which is way off in the future that you don’t have to worry about it, yet close enough that you can prepare or not forget it.  It is an acceptable timeframe for getting things done at work for example.

Ladies on the other hand have an uncanny knack of remembering things that happened many years ago – the precise time and date ingrained in their short term memory ready to be brought up in any argument, even if not relevant.  This is however pointless, much like their arguments, as 2 weeks is plenty enough.  In the modern era however, there is a problem, Ladies will organise their social lives months in advance and those of us with shared calendars suddenly find ourselves having enforced nights in.

Last week I found myself ‘sock-blocked’ by Mr C when he exposed my poorly maintained socks in a team meeting.  It was fair to say I had got my money’s worth out of them and the material was a bit on the thin side.  Thanks to ‘bonus time’ I was able to buy a few pairs from Matalan.

Back to paying for the lottery this week…….

 

07/03/2019

Having taken a few strolls round different parts of the City now, it’s interesting to notice the difference between here and the West End.  Once you get past the lack of greenery, the Dickensian alleyways, narrow streets, the mix of brand new and ancient buildings it’s a not bad place to be in my opinion.  The people are bit more pushy and move faster (a good thing) – no random tourists walking around 6 abreast at funeral march speeds.

Found a couple of lottery shops tucked away and just have to check out the nearby watering holes now.  People are still people though and passed a couple of ladies hugging on a street corner who broke apart as I walked past (unrelated I might add) with one of them saying to the other ‘Have a nice life!’.  There was also some very smelly person on my train line this morning – we are talking extreme bad breath that signalled an imminent visit to the dentist was due.  To pull out whatever had died in there some time ago, and was still there.  I had to hold my breath for around 15 minutes with some very shallow breathing to stop me turning blue.

Still, despite me enjoying my novel surroundings, we should still go ahead and win this thing on the basis its always better to get your mits on a wad of cash!

 

13/03/2019

As you may know, we do have some trendy neighbours here in the City Office.  Anyone heading for the lifts can’t help but notice the office next door with its bean bags, fusball table and fridge full of fizzy drinks – it’s got ‘Here be Snowflakes’ written all over it.

Then this morning I got stuffed at the barriers by one of these beard-carrying millennials.  He got to the barrier, blocked it while he put his Costa coffee on the side and b*ggered about in his man-bag for his pass.  Doesn’t he know this is the City?  The City!?!?!?  He was lucky I was able to stop in time! Not that he was aware because this isn’t just his building of work but his Planet and everyone else are just a bunch of randoms.  Including me it seems. 

Let’s win this thing so I can get a snow mobile and teach them all a lesson in life.

 

20/03/2019

Thanks to the hand gel in the 3^rd floor ‘bathroom’ my hands are more healthy than the rest of me – covered in vitamins A, B and C.  So rather than attempt to get your 5-a-day down your neck, pop into the gents, drop the kids off and then lick your hands on the way out post hand washing.  Job done.

Speaking of which, the little fascist germies that have been causing my life a misery (not to mention assaulting everyone’s ears) seem to have finally succumbed to an anti-allergy tablet, who’d have thought?  The amount of Day/Night Nurse that I’ve consumed in the last 3 months has pushed up GSK shares 10%.

Not quite out of the woods yet, but if we win this thing at the weekend maybe I can book myself some proper R&R

 

27/03/2019

Seen on the train this morning, in a row of 3, a young chap flanked by 2 older gentlemen.  Which one do you reckon picked his nose?  Actually both the older chaps!  The first one casually raised one hand while continuing to focus on his phone as the excavations occurred.  Hoping no one would notice, he then rolled the offending crust into a ball and flicked it in the direction of the aisle.  Fortunately, for him and us, someone did spot it, me.  With my posh eye always on the lookout for etiquette faux pas, I had this one clocked from a mile away.  Same for the chap at the other end of the row too.  And when chap number 1 went back to ‘mine the seam’ and flick yet another crust shortly after.  Honestly, what peasants but also a hope for the future generations.

Before the days when everyone was glued to their smart phones, the only time you could remove nose material was from the comfort of your own car at traffic lights.

Now all we need to do is win this thing
so I don’t have to witness these acts on a daily commute I won’t be doing.

03/04/2019

It didn’t take long – cubicle 1 on the 3^rd floor, middle of a Tuesday afternoon and I notice a bloody thumb print on the wall.  In all the years of availing myself of a cubicle, at no point have I left behind blood stained digit mark. Other ‘fluids’ maybe but not blood.  I mean do we need to put out an APB to see if the perpetrator is alright?  Get CSI Employer involved to find out what
occurred?  Do we really want to know?

Given last week’s abysmal showing on the lottery – think we got 3 numbers total – we should concentrate on this instead.  As Worldwide markets begin a sort of rally after a poor 2018, maybe the Asset Manager alternative high risk strategy fund (unregulated) is about to pay out big time?  Let’s hope so, then I won’t have to listen to Mr B promising to ‘go to a cash point in a minute’ and several weeks later still nothing (here’s a thing – Google maps – just saying).

 

10/04/2019

I went to get changed the other day, and on entering the ablutions, I was hit by such a powerful barrage of whiff that I had to turbo it down to the far end to try and get some less polluted air.  Last time something like that was smelt, the Geneva Convention was invented.  Seeing the posh cubicle was free (the one with the seat warmer and associated rear squirting paraphernalia) I opened the door to be confronted by a hairy chap sat on the aforementioned throne, phone in hand and everything else keeping his ankles warm.  We both cried out in shock before I hastily beat a retreat to a “Sorry, mate!” from him.  What an epic fail!  How can you forget to lock the door?!?!?

I popped into another cubicle and tried to not to laugh out loud whilst getting over the shock.  Obviously it also took a while for me to stop shivering with disgust.  In a very English way, I prayed he finished up and exited stage left before I came out of my vestibule so we wouldn’t have to have an awkward moment of pretending it didn’t happen. 

If we win the lottery, I’ll have my own dedicated lav.  That way this unfortunate event won’t be repeated.  Ever.

 

17/04/2019

Short one this week as I am flat out, will probably take me 2 weeks to get back to normal lottery emails.

So that will be £2 please.

Cheers

 

25/04/2019

Bit late this week but with the Bank holiday, annual leave and a road trip round the Companies datacentres, time has been a bit short.

There seems to be a bit of optimism in the air with financial markets going through the roof, the Company coming out of the doldrums – a real Spring renaissance.  Even the climate protestors were passive and an air that we may be able to avert disaster for the Human race and the Planet we live on after all.

All we need now is a lottery win so we can join in with solar panels and an electric car.

Be round to collect at some point….

 

01/05/2019

The gospel of truth that is the Daily Mail, yesterday reported a story on McDonalds customers moaning at the companies change from plastic straws to paper ones to save the environment.   Sound approach and common sense to move to a more sustainable and responsible future you’d think, but no.  Some customers were complaining about the change and wanted there plastic ones back. Having used one I can’t see what the issue is.

This sort of thing happens a lot. Whenever there is a change, people take a long time to adapt.  Back in the late seventies, the wearing of seat belts became the law and the amount of people you’d hear saying how dangerous they were because in the event of an accident you would no longer be thrown clear!  Never mind it was through a reinforced glass windscreen that would leave you with life changing injuries, much safer!  Even today there is a minority that don’t want to wear a seat belt 40 years on. 

When smart phones came out, I know people who didn’t know why they would need such a thing when their Nokia/Ericsson did everything they wanted from a mobile.  Want to play a game?  Snake is adequate enough thank you.  Apps?  What do I need an ‘app’ for?  “Won’t catch on!”. To a person, they all have smart phones now and they are lost without them……

You can imagine these same people’s great grandparents back in the turn of the Century were going round saying how the car would never catch on and how ridiculous they were compared to a horse.  Why, a horse even mows the grass for you!

Which brings me neatly round to the lottery.  Sadly this caught on far too quickly and we are suckered into it each week but hey, this means the message can get through to the masses after all, right (always end on a positive message!)?

That will be £2 please.

 

15/05/2019

This week we are a bit late; late celebrating the birth of a new Royal, late celebrating/commiserating Brexit and
late getting a lottery win (by about 14 years).  At least things move quickly shutting down Jeremy Kyle so not all bad news then.

With no end to monetary turbulence for me the latter would be very welcome, positive che all-round and lets nail it this week.

 

22/05/2019

Great news, short week next week with another Bank Holiday.  As some of you may be aware I was in New York at the weekend just gone and people are just as mental on their subway as they are over here.  One crazy on a packed train was either on something, and had been for a while, or had just escaped from somewhere.  Loud, foul-mouthed ranting kept everyone gazing at their shoes until he got off.  Unlike over here though the fellow strangers did speak to each other, post incident, with one grinning chap leaning over to me and remarking that it wasn’t normally this hostile!

We were staying in Harlem, and as you can image, four hairy bottomed, white blokes fitted right in.  It was very friendly neighbourhood actually though there was a constant haze of funny cigarettes going on.  All the late night stores did a roaring trade.

All we need to do is win the lottery so I can travel to other exotic locations and share the off colour side of life with you.

 

 29/05/2019

All change on the political front it seems as the European elections gave the 2 main parties a drubbing.  The people aren’t happy it seems, who says
ignorance is bliss?  Anyone worried that Jeremy Corbyn or Boris Johnson might be the next PM, now has a third contender for nightmare leader – Nigel Farage.  Imagine that?  You are wandering home minding your own business when the aliens land next to you and a green, bug-eyed monster steps out, points a ray gun at you and utters the immortal line “Oi Earthling! Take me to your leader!”.  Really?  Are you sure?  Let’s hope
the Queen is at home.

Good news for us this week, we scooped 3 numbers which these days is £30 for the coffers.  It’s a start…  Be round to collect later.

06/06/2019

This week we celebrate 75 years of the D-day landings and as such I have been able to freely express my right to free speech in these weekly emails, thanks to those brave men and women who carried them out.  Before anyone starts saying “Really?  Shame Hitler didn’t win after all” I’d like to think I have made a positive contribution to our lives.  My emails are certainly better than the ones we get from Management these days. Though the lottery remains ‘inflexible’, its £2 a week and that’s it.

Unlike 75 years ago we have a choice, though our task is seemingly just as impossible.  Just like them, we carry on regardless.

 

12/06/2019

Bad weather, ill health doing the rounds – it’s just bad news everywhere. When you have spent all Winter saying ‘Can’t wait for Summer!’ it’s a bit of a let down when it turns out to be cold and rainy.  Forgot to put some money on the Euro last night and someone in the UK scooped the £123m, I’m not saying that if I had bought a ticket I obviously would have won it.  But I might have!

Right, line in the sand time, stop the depressing rot!  We need to believe – the sun will come out, colds etc will disappear and this weekend…..

Be round to collect shortly.

 

19/06/2019

You have to laugh, the striking railway workers who looked at the sky yesterday morning before heading off to the shed to dust off their bar—b-q’s were soon sobbing into the their damp, smoking lukewarm coals. With more of the same for the foreseeable the heavens are doing a great job of giving us a ‘duck summer’ or something that rhymes with that anyway. Yesterday, they opened up even more at going home time just to add to the misery.  Was that thunder I heard with it too?  Sounded a bit like laughter.

My pocket umbrella is on its last legs having seen way more action than usual.  We just need a decent win on the lotto now to help me sort out some replacement wet weather gear. 

 

26/06/2019

Who has popped down the bookies to put some cash on Jeremy Hunt becoming the next leader of the Conservatives?  Anybody?  Let’s face it, it’s going to be BoJo – a slam dunk as they say.  The next election is going to prove interesting, a 3-way split between Corbyn, Johnson and Farage.  With the World upside down, maybe £10 on Farage could be prudent.  I think Mr Johnson will do great job with regards to women’s rights, pay and equality, Brexit, the economy.

 Just in case he messes that up too, we really do need to win this week.  It’s also Craig and Bobby’s last week and drinks aren’t cheap and I’ve also picked up a summer cold and Beechams aren’t free so a win would help me keep the noise down.

 

 

03/07/2019 

I am an eternal optimist.  To run a lottery syndicate, it’s a prerequisite – but in the face of human stupidity you can’t help wondering that if we won it, would it make any difference to our lives?  The reason for the doom and gloom is a BBC article about the Amazon rain forest now being cut down faster and faster to make way for cattle farmers.  The stats are alarming, every minute an area the size of a football pitch is cleared.  Brazils newly elected President says it’s time to ‘develop’ the Amazon, it belongs to the Brazilian people and they can do what they want with it.

Apart from the diversity of wildlife and the unique way of life for Brazilian tribes, 20% of or oxygen comes from it and it’s a massive carbon sink.  As always, when there is a crisis that demands immediate action, human beings can’t wait to accelerate in the wrong direction.  Makes me cross as we are paradoxically making new discoveries every day that make our lives better.  We have to change our way of thinking to believe that economic progress can happen in conjunction with good environmental practises.

I was hoping to end this rant with some good news from the Woman’s England football team but sadly despite it being a good game they were knocked out by a very good USA team.  Still with all the checks and balances in place we should win the lottery this week!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-48827490

 

10/07/2019

This week sees Glastonbury stars auctioning off their clothes, as worn on stage, for charity.  One of our number has already been busy bidding on certain items – you can guess which – as worn by Kylie Minogue.  He will certainly require a lottery win this week to ensure he gets what he wants.  The rest of us would be jealous but would gladly impart money on a cash-for-sniff basis if needs be.

Interesting times at Deutsche Bank as they shed 18,000 staff worldwide, incl some in London.  We are all able to relate to their situation, apart from Management there have followed through, whereas…..

Again some sort of win this week would be very handy!

 

17/07/2019

With Summer struggling to get going, some facilities person somewhere in the building, has decided not to wait and it will go ahead regardless.  The
result has been a freezing cold office, everyone is having to drink more tea just to warm their hands up.  Some of the team have taken to eating Scotch eggs in a bid to raise the temperature, so far it’s gone up by 1.2C (most of that contributed by Captain Methane right behind us).  The air is a bit chewy but it has now warmed up.

There has been a lot to cheer about after England won the cricket World Cup and Hamilton won Silverstone at the weekend.  I’m sure these things come in threes?  Give me your money and lets find out.

24/07/2019

We have a new leader, Boris, and it seems he is very much a marmite character for some people.  Love him or loath him we will find out soon enough how he is likely to get on in Number 10.  One thing is for sure, he will do better than May or indeed Hunt would ever have done.  Politics should be a bit more colourful for the foreseeable.

It’s also nearly 50 years since Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, a man who dedicated his life to pushing the boundaries of aeronautics and space exploration.  A man always in control of machine, thoughts and his destiny.

I’ve always been a fan of carrying on with what you can control, and by furnishing me with your £2 every week, so do you.  Let not wait to see what BoJo does and instead DO a Neil Armstrong and take our own destiny in our own hands.

 

31/07/2019

I’ve mentioned ‘theme days’ on public transport before but yesterday was a first – ‘National Proper Book’ day.  A definite improvement on the other themes (i.e. ‘nose picking’, ‘hairy wart or my favourite, ‘mono-brow’ day), more highbrow too (pun unintentional) with someone reading the ‘Catcher in the Rye’, followed by a second traveller with ‘Moby Dick’ in his hands.  With this being the holiday season, you’d think a good Chris Ryan or Jackie Collins would be the order of the day.  Given the general uncouth nature of my fellow passengers, this is a definite step up.

Now we have new trains, air con and now a seemingly better class of passenger, what next?  Piped Vivaldi over the tannoy?  A cold glass of Chablis as you enter the carriage?  The platform attendants wearing white gloves?

If we win the lottery, we would be able to get some of these things in first class I’m sure.  Give me the cash and I’ll make it so.

 

28/08/2019

Who here is chuckling at Boris’s headline today that he is suspending Parliament? It’s a cynical move to stiff the opposition and stop any chance of him being forced to take No Deal off the table.  It surely has to be obvious to even the most died-in–the-wool lefty that the reason ‘No Brexit’ is on the table still is purely to ensure we get the right deal from the EU.  Taking your best cards away from you would mean the EU wouldn’t need to budge from their current position and therefore it is more likely we would leave with no deal by default.  But what do I know?  I’m just a humble president of the lottery club. 

Let’s humbly scoop a few mill so we can end the Summer on a high.

 

06/09/2019

What week – 5 weeks’ worth….

Don’t worry with the issues this week in Parliament, the pound isn’t actually worth as much so it isn’t going to be as painful as you think!

 

11/09/2019

There is one man amongst us for whom the phrase ‘Winter is coming’ is no threat at all, in fact it is a positive message that hails the start of something great.  Rather than look for holiday homes in the sun, he would rather buy one in Lerwick, or the Outer Hebrides, given half a chance.  It’s our very own sun-averse Mr Beet (just don’t mention canoe trips).  In fact, so alarmed by global warming is he, that he has been the first of us to go
electric with his cars, a highly commendable act if I might say so.

Speaking of life in the 21st Century, I have heard many people, either on TV or in conversation, utter the phrase ‘Here we are in the 21st Century and we are still <insert gripe and moan>’ as if to say why is this still going on.

Really, what difference does it make?  Modern humans have been around for what 120,000 years?  So actually we are in the one thousand, two hundredth century and what have we learned?  Given that we have someone like Corbyn is in charge of a political party, you’d have to conclude nothing.  We are just as intolerant and, for all our cleverness, pretty dumb.  Here in the 9th month of 2019, it about time we won this Lotto thing.

 

19/09/2019

There are times in a man (or woman’s) life when you can’t help thinking the odds are stacked against you.  Each time you push ahead, or try to make things better, some higher power seems to conspire against you to push you back down again.  Maybe proof after all that God is an Englishman (back in your box, young man!)?  Just last week several of the appliances in my house decided that they had functioned for long enough and stopped working.  The hoover I managed to repair, same for the plumbing under the sink (not straight forward for someone who normally gets a chap in a van round to sort these things).  The wine cooler was game over, so down to John Lewis to sort a new one.  Honestly, the BA unions couldn’t have coordinated it any better.

Life in the First World?  Of course, but if you are there you will also have taken advantage of the trappings too! 

To cheer myself up I thought I’d watch a relaxing documentary on World economics, found one on the BBC about the Rise of China.  Now I’m doubly paranoid about the future…..  If only I liked fluffy programmes like ‘Strictly’ or the ‘Great British Bore off’ but to be honest that really is wrist slashing territory.

I’ll keep on plugging away with my ‘eyes wide open’ approach (better to see the bus coming in my opinion) with one glaring exception.  I’ll keep on doing the lottery.

 

25/09/2019

More Brexit news this week – no change from the usual really.  Parliament might be reconvening this week after the court ruling yesterday but let’s face it, it just means more hot air over what MPs don’t want from Brexit, no agreement in sight on what they do want and more limbo for the rest of us indefinitely until all jobs have moved to Europe in the meantime anyway in a sort of ‘no deal by proxy’.

In other words, we really need to win this thing.  At least Greta Thunberg tells it straight! Last one to buy a leccy car with the (eventual) winnings gets a lump of coal.

 

02/10/2019

It has to be said that since we moved offices and I’m no longer on the tube, the people on the train don’t seem to be as odd, and therefore as interesting, as the tube passengers.

That said, and staying with a transport theme, when things do occur it’s a bit like buses and more than one event presents itself in quick succession. So yesterday, was Cannabis day in case you missed it.  On leaving the office I was following a gentleman down the street to Moorgate station when I caught a whiff of his ‘cigarette’, it had the distinct exotic smell about it as he brazenly puffed away.  Later in the throng of the crowd on the train, one of the punters – who looked like any other business commuter – stood next to me and my nostrils were suddenly refreshed with the niff of student life from his breath and clothes.

I wasn’t expecting to be able to report a second National day but good news!  Today is National Treading-on-feet-by-clumsy-B*stards day! Sadly I was a victim to begin with but being a seasoned commuter with a sixth sense for this type of thing, I was able to do the ‘Ali shuffle’ before I suffered any lasting damage.  Next a second commuter, who also had the mind-set that holding onto a pole was advisory when the train is moving, stood squarely on some poor ladies foot right in front of me causing her to exclaim ‘Ow!’.  He managed to un-glue his eyes from his phone briefly to apologise, so that’s alright then!

Maybe we don’t need to win the lottery just yet after all now life has decided to become more interesting, though we’ll give it a go anyway.

 

09/10/2019

Good news for working class environmentalists this week, and it’s NOR news of a new vegetarian kebab down at Greggs, but news that Ford has launched a plug-in hybrid Transit van.

Now Green Van Man can take a trip out at lunch to get scotch eggs, sausage rolls and pork pies, safe in the knowledge no polar bears will be harmed.

Speaking of green, it was pointed out to me that so called smart meters, aren’t.  They don’t actually save you money by turning things off or down, they just point out what the customer is using in real time.  In other words, it’s actually a meter for stupid people who haven’t realised the TV they left on in the other room along with all the lights blazing away actually uses real power which has to be paid for.  Maybe the smart meter is so called because it is actually smarter than the customer!

Let’s nail the lotto this week so we can escape from all this nonsense.

16/10/2019

With interesting times in the Office (mind the blood!), things have also been a bit busy at home after one of our cats brought in, well its either a large mouse or a small rat a few days ago.  It was late at night and chased by the other cat who also wanted to ‘play’ with it.  Having rescued/saved several mice recently I tried to help this one, only the cat – now wise to my intentions – ran off with it in its mouth into the hall where it dropped it allowing it to run off into the wine cellar shoe cupboard.

No chance of finding it in there amongst the Chateau Neuf ‘76.

Over the next couple of days, Ratatouille left a few ‘pebbles’ around the place as he tried to find food.  We did find him the other evening, not long after the cats, and he was safe but cornered under the TV stand.  Sadly he was too quick to capture and made his way into our brand new reclining sofa (the pesky blighter).  He turned up again last night but sadly he’d passed away and, apparently being a ‘blue’ job, I had the task of removing it to the nearest hedge row.  Shame, as I have a good record in saving the local wild life.

If we win this week, I’ll invest in collar bells for the feline wanderers.

 

23/10/2019

I’m off next week so this week will be the Hallowe’en edition, though to be fair I’m struggling to see any horror or gore – we are all blasé to the bloodshed round here over the past couple of years and accept each cull as easily and calmly as getting another cup of tea.

The closest we have come to panic was yesterday when one of our long lost colleagues returned from his Far Eastern tour, who along with another, is notorious for unashamedly turning the air a ‘bit funky’.  That is genuinely, actually a bit scary but rather than reaching for the garlic and silver bullets, a simple desktop fan should ward off the evil spirits.

Good job I have the lovely task of getting some fresh air once a week collecting the tickets from the lottery shop.

 

06/11/2019

I went to get changed the other night in cubicle 1 only to be greeted with a huge flood round both sides of the porcelain.  If I’d been flattened by a
deluge surfing Ark and a madly waving Noah shouting ‘Get out of the bloody way!’ it wouldn’t have been a massive surprise such was the biblical
proportions of liquid.  Really we should track him down and offer him to the UN so he can serve humanity in a good way. 

What I’m proposing is that during the hot summer months, with all the wild fires breaking out around the World and burning down great swathes of forest, we can ship him out there, taking him off the plane and into the nearest pub where – for free – he will be given 10 pints of lager.  Maybe even some crisps to sweeten the deal.  Meanwhile some fire fighters would sneak out and plonk down an unconnected toilet in front of the raging fire and then when our hero’s bladder reaches that point in time the barman can nonchalantly point him out the back.

‘Yes mate, through the door on the left just in front of the warm, yellow and orange trees’.

‘Cheers’.

30 seconds later the fire will be out and the clean, unused toilet can be loaded up and shipped out the next conflagration. 

13/11/2019

I was offered a trip out shopping with the Missus last weekend, and was about to accept the offer of a change of scene from the house, when she mentioned she was going to Dunelm.  Suddenly the house didn’t seem so bad after all, and here’s why; anyone who has gone to Dunelm knows it should really be called Deadelm because the shop is designed on the same ambience as found in the Underworld.  The Devil himself can usually be found in aisle 3 looking around and thinking ‘I really like what they have done with the lighting’.

As you cross the car park, over the River Styx, and upto the front door of the shop, you should pause for a second, turn around and take in life.  Look up at the blue sky (or wall to wall grey as it is at the moment), listen to the birds singing in a nearby tree and feel the wind brushing gently on your cheek.  Take a deep breath and head into the soul-sucking atmosphere that is Dunelm.  You are now on a time limited period in your life, you need to get in, get what you want, and get out before zombification takes over and you end up with a job there.  They even have steel pillars just in the entrance to stop people legging it out in a hurry with their trolleys before they have paid.

Thank goodness for the lottery, we may not be too good at winning it but at least we are able to dream about a better life with the winnings we’d get.

 

20/11/2019

No one looks where they are going these days, mostly thanks to the advent of the mobile phone.  However, even in these enlightened times of dog owners carrying around a supply of plastic ‘hand warmers’, the golden rule of looking down at where you are going is as true today as it was in the olden days.  This was true the other evening when I left the office and headed over to Liverpool Street station in rush hour, where I witnessed not 1 but 2 people in front of me step cleanly onto a fresh dog turd.  The first Facebook enthusiast managed to break up the cigar shape quite neatly with her flat shoes, before the second important-can’t-wait texter squidged nicely onto one of the freshly broken parts.  If I could spot this from 10 feet away, even before the lady at the front did, why didn’t they?

The offending pooch wasn’t too far ahead, so why didn’t the owner pick up the offending mess either?  Life in the Big City attitude?  If I’d confronted her on it she may have claimed it wasn’t her dog as she was in Pizza Express in Woking at the time their dog carried out its act.

Speaking of fecal matter, some chap on the crowded train this morning had breath exactly like poo.  I was forced to alternate between holding my breath, shallow breathing and praying he got off the train at the next stop.  Honestly, the human race is doomed thanks to uncaring dog owners, blind people and people who have never heard of toothpaste.

Hopefully next week’s bit of nonsense will be a bit more highbrow, maybe even with the subject of how much we have won!

 

04/12/2019

Plague is back, 4 cases in China of bubonic and pneumonic plague.  Some people of a superstitious or spiritual nature may say its Mother nature or some higher being evening things up.  In truth these things never really go away, viruses just mutate and immune systems adapt in a continuous warfare played out at microscopic level.  As the owner of two black cats, I’m not in the in slightest bit superstitious, any crosses appearing on front doors near me will be met by a barrage of Detol – just hope bubonic plague doesn’t fall into the 0.01% of germs it doesn’t kill!

Looks like I missed a good Christmas party last night but shame no one got beer’d up and told the new CEO how he should be running the company!

11/12/2019

Election day is just 1 day away and no one cares.  No longer do we discuss Brexit, the NHS, who’s racist, who has punched who or indeed, the economy, down the pub.  In fact, last time I was in the pub, even religion didn’t even get a mention.  Everything that needs to be said has been said and its now time for action from someone – whoever wins on Thursday probably as long as they get a majority, otherwise its back to square one.  Which means just one subject down the pub, that’s right, whether we will have a job in the New Year!

Maybe we can discuss this on Friday down the pub?  Monday in the pub, we will be working out how much money to divvy up between us having scooped the millions on offer Saturday night.