Lottery - 2014
08/01/2014
We are in the simply appalling situation of having not even the slightest whiff of a win since the lottery changed to £2. You have to question whether there is some nefarious activity gone on at Camelot or it is just the most terrible luck.
There is some good news however, not sure if anyone has noticed yet, but the evenings are getting lighter.
Now where’s the cash!
15/01/2014
The morning train journey in is often a good time to catch up on some last minutes Z’s. That is until one of 2 annoying habits that other people have, suddenly butt in just enough to disturb the peace. The first is those with a mobile phone which ‘clicks’ whilst texting, prevalent with the old and the
technophobes. The second happened to me this morning and involved a young lady standing next to my seat masticating loudly. Chewing your gum like a pro is not something hugely attractive at the best of times, certainly not when you’re trying to sleep.
Still if we finally win this thing we can afford the limo each day to transport us to our place of toil.
23/01/2014
Finally moved back into the new Wing on Monday (East if you are interested) and the garden is now on the agenda for a bit of landscaping. Looks like we won’t be introducing the deer back in just yet then!
As you may be aware deer kennels aren’t cheap so we need to win big……..did I mention the ducks need a new duck house?
30/01/2014
Devastating news this week after the wine cooler failed last night, was forced to go red with the fish. Most disagreeable I can tell you.
Without a decent lottery win I’m forced to have just the one and no spare, give me the cash and I’ll sort us out with more First World problems
05/02/2014
With the hoi poloi up in arms again over some working class gripe, it’s about time they discovered backbones. I once described Jonathan as the bravest man I know when he used to live south of the river, nonchalantly travelling through a series of crime zones between his front door and his desk. But now he has been usurped by one of the developers on our floor, who braved cholera and the plague when he visited the urinals (at the end of the day I might add) in his, and get this, stocking feet!
Blokes a maniac!
Let’s win this thing so we can help him out with some rubber soled shoes.
12/02/2014
With all of the flooding going on at the moment, it’s no surprise that I need some extra funds to sort out the flooding in the lower field.
Even the ducks are getting fed up with it. The answer is cash from the lottery for new boat/holiday/pumps (delete where applicable).
20/02/2014
Yeah, I do know its Thursday but hey, it’s been one of those weeks.
I was with my Missus the other day when she started yelling “Give it to me now!, I’m so wet,
give it to me now!”. But there was no way I was giving up the umbrella, it was caning it down!
So let’s win the lottery so I can afford to get my Missus one. An umbrella that is.
05/03/2014
With the Russian economy in trouble due to the issues in Ukraine, a charity record has been released by Vladimir Putin to raise some money, a remix of Justin Timberlake’s classic ‘Crimea River’. I’m not sure why people in America might be afraid of World War III breaking out over the Crimean invasion. They have at least 3 years till they’d join in anyway.
In an exclusive interview with the lottery syndicate about the Sochi Winter Olympics, Mr Putin has confirmed that he incentivised the athletes by offering them a Mercedes for each medal won. When I asked him about the non-medallist’s he replied ‘Don’t open the boot’.
That wraps up this week’s news events, to end it permanently, let’s just win the lottery.
12/03/2014
With Spring officially here it’s nice to see the sun shining and the temperature rising.
Hopefully along with our bank accounts. I’ll be round shortly………….
20/03/2014
This time of year, between Christmas and the proper start to Summer, is always bad. The germs come out to play and suddenly the tube journey sounds like a coughing version of Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells.
Come the start of January, I go straight to the Boots Pharmacy and get one of everything behind the counter. Not sure what I’m supposed to do with the ‘Dulco-ese’, but if anyone wants it they are welcome to have it.
Maybe a big win would enable us to jet off to sunnier climes, avoiding the ‘Eau de Phlegm’ sprays from the masses.
06/03/2014
It may be Spring time but in true Blighty weather unpredictable way, it’s gone cold again. Great.
On a good note, Gwyneth Paltrow is available again. We just have to get rich so we can show off respective ‘wads’.
02/04/2014
I’m not a big fan of the clocks going forwards, it’s like mini-jet lag. To help get over this, I watch the +1 channels for the first couple of weeks.
And now to sports; a man has been arrested for throwing rubbish onto the pitch at Old Trafford.
A Mr Moyes will appear before Magistrates in the morning.
Der-lum tish etc…..
09/04/2014
As we seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel with not winning the lottery in last 10 years or so, we clearly have an issue with numbers.
To this end , I have created a maths test which can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.
DON’T PEEP!
Pick a number between 1 and 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3 to that number.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the 2 digits together.
Now discover your favourite film!
2. The English Patient.
3. Oliver Twist.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled -Up
Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins.
The new Noah film is upsetting some Christians as they say too much has been made up. Or to put it another way, a fictitious movie about a fictitious story from a fictitious book isn’t historically accurate. Er……
Give me your lottery money this week and spare yourself from having to go see it.
23/04/2014
Happy St Georges Day to you.
OK stand by for the David Moyes jokes:-
What is the difference between David Moyes managerial career and pregnancy?
One is 9 months of pain and suffering, the other is pregnancy.
David Moyes popped round for coffee earlier, he’s the same away from football as he is in
it. Always a mug, never a cup.
Whats the difference between David Moyes and Michael Jackson?
Nothing, neither will play Giggs again.
Now cough up or
I’ll dig some more up…….
30/04/2014
Say what you like about Max Clifford, he will be missed from Public life as he touched so many people.
Simon Cowell has ditched Max Clifford after being ‘horrified’ by the PR guru’s attacks on younger women. Mr Cowell, 54, and his girlfriend Lauren Silverman, 21, were shocked by the evidence given against Mr Clifford in court.
And finally in a latest twist in court, Oscar Pistorious was found to be having an argument with his girlfriend before her death. He wanted a new bathroom door but she was dead against it.
07/05/2014
Can’t believe I’ve been roped into doing a 5k run next week, at least it’s for a good cause – Cancer Research. After hoovering up a load of London’s PM10 into my lungs it’ll be a charity I think I’ll be calling on, so give generously.
It’s also Adam’s last week and as such we should make it a good send off by winning this thing, be a laugh wouldn’t it?
11/06/2014
With the World Cup about to start in Brazil, it is fitting to get behind the England team even if expectations are low about us winning it.
Spare a thought though for the other UK nations who failed to qualify; Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Poland and Romania.
I’ll be round to collect tomorrow………
23/07/2014
I have some very good news and some bog standard good news this week. At the weekend we got 5 numbers on the lottery, our best ever result! Wah hoo.
But before we get the wet towels out and start flicking each other on the backsides, this equates to the princely sum of £874. That’s total, not each.
Still better than what we usually win and worth diviying up – so £874 divided by 14 works out at £62.00 each. Nice even though it’s not quite a down payment on a yacht.
13/08/2014
It would have been nice to actually nail this thing before Winter kicks in again, and with a distinctly Autumnal feel to the evenings we came close with 5 numbers.
It’s not all gloom though, despite the night’s drawing in (it gets dark around 8:30 in the evening now!), I’m orf for 2 weeks to get some last gasp rays. So that’s nice.
One of the team will take over while I’m away so never fear we’ll miss out on our charity donations.
04/09/2014
So just back from holiday and struggling to get back upto speed. Didn’t help getting the red eye back from Cape Verde which got us to Gatwick for 11pm Monday night, only to have the (sadly usual) delay from the baggage handlers add a further hour to that in getting the bags sorted.
How nice of them.
They should put the 2nd runway through their tea hut, that will keep the lazy toe rags on the job.
Also seem to have picked up some bugs from drinking too much pool water (brag, brag, etc etc) nothing to do with too much drinking.
10/09/2014
I was looking forward to making some disparaging comments regarding the state of England’s football team but seems like there is a faint chance we have bounced a few millimetres from the bottom of the barrel after the Swiss game.
Maybe positivity is in the air given the good news speech at the RAC club last night. Free food and drink always makes me more positive anyway.
I see no reason this shouldn’t translate into a nice little jackpot win for us lot, I’ll be round to collect today.
29/10/2014
Er….bit late today with the email, thanks for the cash!
05/11/2014
Good news – last week we scooped £64 by getting 4 numbers. Nice.
If we could do better this week that would be even better. Well done and keep up the good work!
26/11/2014
Hurrying home last night, I detoured quickly into Sainsbury’s to take advantage of the double points and get myself a Fitbit in the Electronics department.
Arriving on the shop floor I was relieved to find it empty and the cashier looking suitably bored over her till, legged it over to the Fitbits just out of site of the tills then dashed back to the tills. Out of nowhere some old codger had appeared and initially I thought he was buying something but no, he was engaged in asking some in-depth questions about mobile phones. All I heard was SIM only this and contract that.
Never had a man been in greater need of a machine gun than me at that point in time.
Moral of the story, time is precious and if we win the lottery we can send minions out to buy whatever stuff we need and we won’t have to mix it with the general Public anymore.
03/12/2014
Not sure which stars have aligned but somehow we have scooped another £72 courtesy of 4 numbers. We seem to be on a roll this year but don’t want to say too much in case I jinx the win coming down the track.
Christmas is getting closer and in some Northern towns, some old people already have the sprouts simmering away. Home economics texts books from the 1950’s clearly state you need to boil all vegetables for 2 hours per ounce plus an extra day for good measure.
Should we win the lottery we can treat ourselves to modern cook books so we at least get some flavour back into our diets. Or go to a decent restaurant.
10/12/2014
Anyone else noticed ‘theme day’ on the tube these days? Last week was ‘amazing skin complaints’ day. Everyone in my carriage looked like they had just escaped from a leper colony, I had just spotted a normal looking girl in the corner when she turned her head exposing a lump missing from her ear lobe! Most days, the theme seems to be ‘Push, shove and be grumpy’ day, occasionally there is a reversal in the Earth’s magnetic field and suddenly everyone is polite and nice. The anticipation of a week day is just palpitating, what’s it going to be today? Fat day, thin day, sweaty armpit day, model day (also known as perv day).
Maybe if we win this thing I will occasionally be dropped off early by the Chauffeur, just to ride the tube a couple of stops for old times’ sake.
16/12/2014
Is everyone set for Christmas yet? All your presents bought, Christmas tree purchased from your local garage forecourt-based tree outlet? Christmas jumper ironed and ready for its annual outing?
All we need now for the icing on the cake is a BFO win on the lottery to really make it special! Or at the very least enable a different, monetary themed, alcohol-fuelled argument to proceed on Christmas afternoon instead.