09/01/2013

Let’s start the New Year as we mean to go on?  A series of bad jokes once a week to motivate you all into putting luck into the
syndicate!

In the news this week, ‘Missing Wife Found by Scarborough Police Divers’.  The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, a Scarborough man answered his door to find two grim faced policemen.  “We’re sorry Mr Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife”, said one of the Coppers.  “Tell me!  Did you find her?”, Wilkens exclaimed.  The policemen looked at each other.  One said, “we have some bad news, some good news and some great news.  Which would you like to hear first?”.  Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”.  The Copper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we found your wifes body in Filey Bay.”  “Oh my God!”, exclaimed Mr Wilkens.  Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”.  The Copper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-sized normal crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch”.  Stunned, Mr Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”.  the Copper replied, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

16/01/2013

New Year, same old freezing cold weather.  We did get £20 quid last week though some cheer then. 

Meanwhile rumours of a Formula 1 race in Ireland have been scuppered by Bernie Ecclestone after the recent trouble.  As soon as the flag goes down, there’d be another riot.

23/01/2013

I came out of my local chippy the other day with a meat and potato pie, jumbo sausage and a portion of chips smothered in mayo (well I am posh).  A homeless man stopped me outside and told me he hadn’t eaten for 3 days.  I told him I wished I had his will power as I
walked off.

Let’s win the lottery this week so we can go to posh restaurants and not have to see the detritus pervading our streets.

30/01/2013

Once again we have had to call in the men in biological warfare suits to hose down the gents up on the third floor earlier this week.  Turns out someone with faulty aiming equipment not only missed the Bismarck with their ‘Tall Boy’, but the entire Fjord altogether.  Worse he or someone else decided to tread in it and spread the ‘love’ into the general area.  I mean seriously, given we are all technical people, someone here can’t even work a toilet.  A handle on the wall is even provided for the odd difficult birth.

If we win we can get some forensic, shoe slip-ons for the office.

06/02/2013

Bit late today but that’s IT for you, I blame Outlook personally.

I see Harry Redknapp has waded into the Chris Huhne Speeding court case.  He has now offered to say it was in fact he who was driving the car that fateful night.  Anything to get 3 points…..

13/02/2013

I have started a new game on the Tube this week in a bid to clean up my image but mostly to avoid custody.  It’s called ‘Spot the Guardian’ reader.  Essentially they look similar to normal people but have thinner lips and the air of organic smugness about them.  They also always leave the train on the left-hand side.

Let’s win this thing so we can exit stage right.

20/02/2013

OK Guys, this is serious, I need the money quick.  This morning I shot an intruder in my bathroom!  I mistook
him for my wife……

 £2.  Just after lunch.

27/02/2013

Last week was terrible, not a sniff of any money coming back from Camelot.  As a result I have dug up some particularly bad jokes which I intend to mercilessly inflict on you!

So here goes, WoHaHaHa!

• Breaking news: Katie Price preganancy was a misunderstanding.  Her husband just fell in whilst doing her.
• How do you know when Katie Price wants to have sex with you?  When the number on the screen matches that on your ticket.
• What’s got one leg and ruins other people’s lives?  Oscar Pistorius and Heather Mills.
• What’s got 2 legs and kills women?  The Pistorious brothers.

Now pay up and let’s win this thing.  Or else more of the same next week, you have been warned!

06/03/2013

Things may be looking up at Office (no one mention the share price!), but the lottery fund is looking poor.  We haven’t scooped a tenner in weeks, not much I can offer on the investment strategy but nevertheless the team structure and board members will remain the same (i.e. me).

So give us your money so I can waste my time cultivating a furrow up the hill to the shop.

12/03/2013

On a Tuesday, I’ll collect later this week and get the tickets today from the tin as I am off this afternoon and tomorrow.  With luck we will win the lottery and go out to celebrate both this win and the Falklands Island vote to stay British.

Cheers.

Now for the crap joke:-

I went to my first ever Lib Dem swingers party yesterday.  We all put our car keys in a bowl, then swapped points.

20/03/2013

We seem to lurch from one week to the next, fiscal issues to the left of us, market crisis to the right of us, but into the valley of riches
we go.  Far from some romantic load of poetry it is turning out a very long and boring valley.  With b*gger all riches too.

So as per last week’s warning, here is another topical but dodgy joke:-

Teacher:- Now then class, let’s do some simple sums.  I give you £10 and you take £1, what do I have?

Little Johnny:- A bank account in Cyprus, Miss

03/04/2013

I’m afraid I have still to check the Euro tickets from last week but in case we weren’t the winners, please carry on working. 

Meanwhile here is the news:-

In International news – This whole North Korea thing is a big misunderstanding, when they said nuke the Chinese, they meant heat up last night’s take-away. 

Domestically – Mick Philpott is said by Police to have been obsessed with sex.  The inmates of Wandsworth Prison are looking forward to testing this theory as soon as he arrives.

And finally Sports – I can’t wait for Paolo Di Canio to find out he’s not the new manager of Sudetenland.

10/04/2013

It is with heavy heart this week that I address you all.  With Baroness Thatcher’s passing we have lost a great leader, the like not witnessed since Winston Churchill.  She is getting a State funeral, so called because they couldn’t privatise it.  Apparently the coal miners had a great celebration last night, with the party going on for most of the night.  Well it’s not as if they have anything to get up for in the morning is it?

What has Mick Philpott and Margaret Thatcher got in common?  At this precise moment in timethey are both being pumped full of fluids in a dimly lit room.

However sad the occasion this is not meant to be a depressing email, bad enough with the disappointment of the lottery itself, so let’s get this party started.

Gawd bless, you, Ma’am!

17/04/2013

In a very sad day today, we pay our final respects to a great leader who paved the way for our lottery.  Without her our Wednesdays would be more boring, if slightly richer, day of the week.

As such the jokes are thin on the ground, instead here’s a gripe from the third floor.  For the last 2 days running, urinal 2 has finished the day looking like it was sponsored by Carpetright!  Unless Dave Lee Travis has been popping into the building between 4 and 5 each night, some git is moulting like a b*stard.

Anyway give us your 2 quid and let’s celebrate our freedoms in a Western society (if we win).

24/04/2013

The sunny weather has started and we need to translate the feel good factor made better by St George’s Day into a win.  The only dragon we need to slay has ‘Lottery’ written across its chest.  So full steam ahead!

In the meantime:-

“It’s 2 in the morning and you come crawling in with a f****** love bite on your neck?” she screamed.  “Sorry dear, we were playing away at Anfield again this week.”  “Fair enough love”.

(Ed – reference to Luis Suarez)

It wasn’t easy telling the kids that their mother and I were getting a divorce.  I could hardly speak for laughing.

01/05/2013

The day may have started out foggy but it’s clear to me we have to nail this thing now. After getting busted on the train and tube by some lovely ladies the past couple of days, I realise I need new sunglasses.  As you know these aren’t cheap, so a modest to decent win is required to enable this to happen.

Also I think making St George’s Day a Bank holiday is a good idea.  Get back some national identity and happy to add St Andrew, St Patrick and St David as well.

15/05/2013

We are gathered here today to talk about Mums.  This week I would like to praise Mothers.  Without our Mum’s where would we
be?  Flushed away in a tissue probably.  Gawd bless them.

Now I would like to praise the lottery for giving us the opportunity to go forth and make our dreams come true (should we win).

Here endeth the lesson.  We will now pass round the collecting plate, please give generously.

Verily, I say unto thee, amen.

22/05/2013

If we weren’t already feeling pretty insignificant and puny as it is, scientists have found a likelihood of other ‘Universes’ beyond ours.  So not only are we the merest crumb of smeg smeared to the outside of a puny rock, we are as poor as anything into the bargain.

Sorry for spoiling your Wednesday morning, but it’s OK.  I can help.  Pass my hand with the usual amount and this time tomorrow we’ll be Masters of our own Universe Multiverse again.

12/06/2013

OK BAU; you give me money, I toss it up the wall of the local lottery shop in exchange for hope.

Hopefully we skip the next stage whereby we are disappointed.

19/06/2013

With the nights about to start drawing in and Autumn about to start, it’s about time we cheered ourselves up in this sorry Island by getting enough money together to hot foot it off to climates new.  Something involving Palm trees would be nice.

So it is that I will be round through the gloom, to collect thine cash.

26/06/2013

Was it just me yesterday?  My fellow commuters suddenly decided I was invisible and as a result, men, women and children all tried to go through me.  I’ve decided to sell my yellow shirt on Ebay, if you are interested just search for ‘invisibility cloak’.  If you are curious, today I decided not to be nice and as a result had a lovely journey in, thanks for asking.

03/07/2013

Playing the odds is something we do every day.  Take the risk of getting out of bed and travelling to work etc, in the UK on average 50 people are killed a day just doing this.  Given the population of the UK that’s roughly 1 in a million chance of not making it through the average day.  Our beloved Gov’t call this figure 1 MicroMort and is the equivalent of throwing 20 coins in the air simultaneously and they all come down ‘heads’.

Funnily enough, the Gov’t also puts a cost on this, mostly so they can cost things like changing a road layout to save 1 life etc.  So how much is your life worth?

£1.60

Cheer yourself up by playing the (slightly-a-lot-worse) odds of the lottery for your life plus 40p.

10/07/2013

With a Briton winning Wimbledon after 77 years the proof that given enough time anything is possible, we should emerge victorious in our weekly lottery quest soon if not actually immediately.  I have invited Simon Fuller to sponsor us which should help……

So for just £2 you get to watch from the Royal box on Centre Court though all you’ll see is me popping upto the shops and back, nevertheless now is our time!

17/07/2013

With Wayne Rooney having the hump at Man U it goes to show that too much money doesn’t make you happy.  Maybe he should try working for a living and then he might feel differently.  We, of course, have a different issue.  The opposite one to Mr Rooney as it turns out.

Help me remedy the situation for us all by paying me £2 a week, I promise to be cheerful and not get angry or sad……

24/07/2013

Finally we have another bit of good news with the birth of our future King.  Not to mention the extra 100 UK Euro Millionaires on this Fridays draw, voting buttons above if you think we ought to do it – need to check the tin to see what we have of course.

31/07/2013

July and August is traditionally the time when we like to take our holidays.  This year I was planning a family trip to the Brecon Beacons but to be honest I’ve rearranged it for Helmand Province as it’s a lot safer.

And in the States, it’s likely Bradley Manning will get life.  Being a computer nerd it’ll be the first time he’s had one.

07/08/2013

A 15 ton lump of putrid fat has been removed from a London sewer recently.  Police say the search for Phil Jupitus has been called off.

I got pulled over for speeding and the policeman came to my window and said “Sir, you were doing 50 mph in a 30 zone.  Can you explain yourself?”

I said “Well office, I’ve just robbed a bank and all the money is in the boot.  I took the cashier hostage but she saw my face so I had to kill her, she’s also in the boot.  The shotgun I used is under the back seat”.

The policeman called for backup and before long half the force were surrounding my car doing a search.  After a while, a Senior Officer came up to me.  “Sir, you told us you had robbed a bank, we can’t find any money.  You said you killed a hostage, we can’t find a body.  You also said you had a shotgun, but we can’t find any firearms.  Have you anything to say?”.

I replied, “I bet that get told you I was speeding as well!”.  

14/08/2013

It’s come around again fast, bit like the night’s drawing in – last night I was cleaning my teeth around 10pm and it was dark already! 

Can’t wait to win the lottery so we can chase the sunshine………..

21/08/2013

Comes around quickly, round to collect as usual later today…….

28/08/2013

No jokes this week, just the money.  Try and bring some good news into the building this week.

11/09/2013

As the nights draw in so does the overall mood it seems.  Rather than get bogged down in the doom and gloom though, let’s focus our positive energy into ensuring we get a win this week.

You know it makes sense……

18/09/2013

Oh yeah, it’s today, round as usual.  2 quid.

25/09/2013

Bad karma on several fronts this week, we have won nothing for several weeks now – just hoping we are building up to a big win!

But also the lottery changes to £2 per go, up from £1.  This means collecting £4 per week, let me know if you wish to continue………

Good news, Joe wants to join and even though this is a dictatorship, please vote to let me know if this is OK with you or not.

02/10/2013

So now we are all being done over by the lottery with its 100% price hike, there seems to be 2 camps.  One is to split the same money and do half the lines on each or just do Saturday.

Use the voting buttons to let me know as I don’t what’s best.

Also a welcome to Joe, hopefully he will be much luckier than you lot!

09/10/2013

So a new era begins of Saturday only for the lottery.  Better prizes though even if its half the chances!

The mood of optimism in the air, things are looking up and now is our time.  However the time it isn’t, is internet time on my iPhone. Since I upgraded to IOS 7 and my monthly internet usage got used up in 2 days, so couldn’t check the numbers from last week on my phone.  Perhaps we are already winners, who knows – obviously not me!

16/10/2013

Thank goodness, England are comfortably through into the World Cup so that’s a bit of news to cheer us.

Shame the other British nations; Ireland, Scotland, Wales and Poland didn’t make it.

All we need is a decent win and we can start booking our tickets to Brazil for a lovely holiday.  Just under 2 weeks ought to be plenty.

24/10/2013

…and for Saturday only.

I was reading Sir Alex Ferguson’s biography and was very surprised when I got to the end and
suddenly a further 6 pages appeared.

With Halloween fast approaching, we are starting to see Orange scary things with a few teeth missing appearing in the shops.  At all other times of the year just pop down to West Ham and check out the girls.

More next week…..

30/10/2013

With new joiner Adam in the team, it seemed rude not to suggest adding him to our Lottery.

However this is where I relax the dictatorship aspect and throw it open to a vote, please use
the buttons to say whether you are happy for him to join or not.

This keeps us at 14 as Carlos has left, Pav and Daran are off soon too.

06/11/2013

I was out this morning, cleaning up the sticks from last night’s rockets.  Found one from India.

Since the lottery changed to £2 our luck has changed, it’s now even worse than it used to be and our starting point wasn’t the best to begin with.  This week we need to focus, get in the zone, sing from the hymn sheet, hum the theme tune from the ‘Great Escape’ if you have to – it’s worth trying anything to be honest if it means we get some free cash.

I’ll be round to collect soon.

13/11/2013

Was watching a trailer for some Channel 4 programme about some lady who had managed to get herself into a house from a caravan site, with her loving husband and 2 young kids.

The last part of the trailer saw her facing the camera saying ‘what more could she want’, at that point we saw her face clearly leaving me to think ‘dentist, lots of moisturiser and some sort of hair treatment’.  Should we scoop the lottery this week (about bloomin’ time too) we too could pamper ourselves.

27/11/2013

What is going on with the Victoria Line at the moment?  Last few weeks it has been busiest than I can remember it ever being.  You used to be able to get on a train easily now you are lucky to get on the second or third train. 

It’s hard enough
getting in between the females of the species on the platform so that when the time comes you can let them push you on (for legal reasons mainly).

Should we focus on Saturday night, perhaps we can win some taxi/limo money to ease the commuter pain……………..

12/12/2013

After all these years I have finally discovered how you get yourself onto a packed Tube train. The trick is to make yourself look a bit creepy (try not bothering to get a haircut for a while, or omitting the shampoo altogether helps here), any girls in the way try to catch their eye and deploy some sort of leer, and suddenly where there was no gap you’ll suddenly feel like Moses.

Not to be sexist as there are a couple of girlies in the Lottery group and leering may produce an undesirable outcome.  So from the female perspective the best way to get yourself a gap is to sport some facial topiary.  This is enough to repel any chap to produce the same outcome as above.

I’ll be round to collect today as with the Xmas party tonight, not sure what state I’ll be in tomorrow to sort out the lottery.

18/12/2013

I was in the rather awkward situation of being told off by my Missus for forgetting to do things during a recent Christmas shopping trip.

In particular she was a bit miffed that I forgot to stop looking at other women. 

With a bit of luck we will nail the lottery this week in time for Xmas and finish off the year with a bang.  Rather.