11/01/2012

Normal service is being resumed, we could do with a lucky January and as the sun is shining, its half way through the week, all the pointers are positive.

I’ll be round as usual.

 

01/02/2012

One down, eleven to go.  Hopefully we can make this year count for something along the way – and that’s where I come in!  I am sure that this is it for us in a non-Mayan way (yes, positive thinking goes a long way).  I’ll be round to collect from your beaming, smiley faces later.

14/02/2012

With the England football team now without a Manager, maybe Harry Redknapp will be approached maybe he won’t but before the FA decide

how about considering other contenders.  I’d suggest Nick Griffin.  Why?  Well the England football Manager is routinely hated by all and sundry so he is already half way there on that one.  He is also misguided in his belief that English people are superior, so should be able to happily spout
twaddle for hours in post-match interviews.

Let me know who you’d want to see in the job when I come round to collect.

22/02/2012

Nearly 2 months in and we are just collecting tenners.  This is not good enough!  What’s wrong with collecting even a fairly decent payout if the main prize is so beyond us?  I need all the mystic powers we can summon between us to land lady luck into our respective bank accounts.  Remember in a parallel universe somewhere, we win every week, so it’s simply a matter of getting it right in this universe.

C’mon!

06/03/2012

Today we work for free technically being the 29th but rather than lament we should be grateful.  Grateful for the opportunity given to us to pop round the newsagents and gamble away 2 quid on the lottery.

Just have to remember that what the lottery giveth, the lottery, more often than not, taketh away.

 21/03/2012

I’m orf for the next couple of weeks so Mark has kindly volunteered to get the tickets for the next 2 weeks (Wed 28th and Wed 4th), that way at least we will be innit even if we don’t win it.

11/04/2012

Best time of the year is now, the Summer is ahead of us and the evenings are lighter and Arsenal are top 4.  With a bit more heat the bar-b-q will be dug out of the shed and all we now need to crown it all is a cash win.  Nothing would compare to the mega jackpots in the States but even a few hundred grand each is not to be sniffed at.

I’ll be round to collect later, not to mention the last 2 weeks’ worth.

18/04/2012

It’s just over 100 years since the Titanic sank and what have we learned?  Apart from Kate Winslett being a selfish cow.

03/05/2012

Good news, last night we got 4 numbers!  A whopping £93 for the tin ready to blow on Euro/Lotto/scratch cards etc

16/05/2012

After Man City won the league at the weekend, celebrations are still going on now.  Good job no United fans live there or they could get annoyed.

For an all-expenses-paid-trip-by-ourselves to Manchester, simply give me 2 quid and wait for the cash to turn up.

23/05/2012

Depressingly enough the death toll keeps rising with this week Diana Ross and Robin Gibb among the latest casualties.  Robin Gibb lead a healthy life being a vegetarian, non-smoker and a teetotaller.  This allowed him to live 6 months longer than Jockey Wilson.

I was going to take the credit for that joke but apparently it’s one of John Terry’s.  If we win this week it’s also down to him……

30/05/2012

We had some good news this week, 4 numbers.  Yee-haw.

The down side is that it equates to £38.

With the next Euro millions at £92 million this Friday and some £225 in the tin (excluding the aforementioned win) what say we put £100 down on tickets?  Voting buttons supplied above.

06/06/2012

We have yet to see what happened with the Euro millions we did last week but it’s worth ploughing on regardless with our reckless growth strategy.

As such I’ll be round to collect subs later, we could end up with the perfect end to the Diamond Jubilee celebrations ever.

13/06/2012

It’s that time, I’ll be round in a sec

15/06/2012

After a complaint that my email this week was a bit ‘thin’ and did nothing to foster optimism and good cheer, you will be pleased to note that this ‘extra’ does nothing to make winning more likely this Saturday but might cheer you up anyway.

So some Euro news just in, the England team visited an orphanage in Poland today.

“It’s heart-breaking to see their sad little faces
with no hope” said Igor, aged 6.

Elsewhere the 100 polish fans that have been found guilty of violent disorder during the Euros have been charged and deported back to England

Closer to home, following his dismissal at Tottenham, Harry Redknapp is supposed to get a severance fee of £3 million. However, after tax, he’ll receive £3 million.  

20/06/2012

Well done to England last night, it was the only time you’ll hear the words ‘John Terry’ and ‘cleared’ in the same sentence.  Maybe the same kind of luck will rub off on us?

I’ll be round later as usual……

27/06/2012

Another short one, I’ll be round shortly………

11/07/2012

A break last week as I was off, but don’t worry you can always catch up on the news here.

Manchester United new signing Shinji Kagawa has arrived at Old Trafford with his porn star girlfriend.  Ryan Giggs has promised to welcome him like a brother.

Keeping with the sports theme, those with a keen eye for fun will know the Employer Olympics is on this week.  Bad news for me as during the sack race yesterday, I managed to take several dives.  The good news is I have been signed for Chelsea as replacement for Drogba.

18/07/2012

Should we actually be successful in this lottery malarkey, we should all go out for a drink to celebrate.

Which reminds me, I was in my local last night and the barman asked what I wanted.  ‘Something tall, icy and full of gin’ I told him.

He called up the stairs to his wife, ‘Tracey, there someone here to see you!’

25/07/2012

I was thinking of going to see the new Batman movie now the audiences have died down.

On a positive note, the victims of the Aurora shooting are getting a chance to meet some of the Batman cast.  Well Heath Ledger anyway………

Too soon?  Just 2 pounds will make me go away for a week.

08/08/2012

If the Olympic team can go around picking Gold left, right and centre then it’s good enough for us.  Who wouldn’t mind a decent wedge of gold?

Right then I’ll be round in a bit.

14/08/2012

Yes I know, collecting Tuesday this week as I’m at DR for most of tomorrow.  Good news on the Euro Lottery as we got back £88.60 from the last lot, almost breaking even.

Not sure if anyone caught the Olympics closing ceremony at the weekend.  I thought the look on the faces of the North Korean Athletes was very funny, they seemed confused that all of the singers were doing covers of Kim Jong-ils songs.

05/09/2012

This week I nee some help.  My Income Tax form has been sent back to me because, in response to question 4, “Do you have anyone dependant on you?”, I replied: “2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle nation scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission.”

They said this was not an acceptable answer!  So, who did I miss out?

Give us a couple of quid plus the last 2 weeks and maybe I can get it sorted out.

 

12/09/2012

With the greatest show on Earth now over, there is just time for one last joke on the Olympics:-

John Terry has apologised for failingto turn up to collectthe US Open Trophy as he’s still rolling around Stratford in a wheelchair trying to collect his Paralympic Gold.

Now back to normal service:-  A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor getting down big time – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips… the works.  The wife turned to her husband and said: “See that guy dancing?  Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me, and I turned him down.”  The husband says: “Yeah, and he’s still celebrating!”

That works out about a pound a go, unless we get lucky on the numbers too.

19/09/2012

Just a quick one today (blame the Management!)……. I’ll be round to collect later

26/09/2012

Hmmn, back to business as usual:- last Saturday we got no numbers at all across the board, a very poor show.  I don’t want to hear any Winter blues creeping in here as only positivity will do.  Remember fortune favours the brave.  To get you all smiling again, try these:-

I was chatting up a woman in a French bar.  “Do you speak English?” I asked.  “Just a little” she purred back.  “How much?” I continued.  “50 Euros”.

I’ve heard they are making a Star Wars – Norwich Edition.  “Luke, I’m your Father, Uncle and brother-in -law”.

On another note in the news this week, John Terry has resigned from International football this week on family grounds.  He wants to spendmore time with his kids and your wife.

03/10/2012

Morning all, In the run up to Xmas, let’s face it we could do with the money.  A bit like the run up to Summer, Spring and just after Xmas as well really.  Plus all other times of the year, what I’m saying is lets win this thing once and for all, last couple of weeks were abysmal.  So get your luck out for the lads and let’s do it!

Now for the crap jokes:-

A paedophile, a legend and a mathematician walk into a pub.  The barman says, “What can I get you, Mr Forrest?”

I was watching my wife about to throw herself off a cliff when she shouted “You drove me to this!”  Just as well, I thought, or she would still be reversing out of the garage.

17/10/2012

What a couple of weeks, lots going on so kicking off with Sports news:-

Alan Pardew has told his Newcastle United players to forget about the club’s new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com.  He’s told them to just get on the pitch and give it 4107%.

Lance Armstrong has had eleven of his teammates turn against him.  Even at his worst, Emile Heskey could only manage ten.

But more topical, couldn’t resist the current furore over Jimmy Saville, I remember hearing him on Top of the Pops, “Now then.  Now then.  Guys and gals.  Welcome to Top of the Pops, straight in at thirteen….” 

24/10/2012

Bit of a shame, last week we got exactly zilch on the lottery and cheering myself up was a bit difficult as the Jimmy Saville jokes are starting to dry up.  Bad karma.  However, I did find this one…. Susan Boyle has just come to Jimmy Saville’s defence saying “I was on Jim’ll Fix It when I was 13 and he never touched me.”

To get better quality than this, donate £2 to me today and we’ll win this thing once and for all. 

 

31/10/2012

With no win this week and Christmas appearing on the edge of our radars, we need everyone to double their efforts.  To spread good cheer here is some update on recent news:-

Eric Clapton was on 6 Music earlier saying how Saville’s career really took off in 1967 when backstage at Top of the pops, he introduced Cream to the Small Faces.

And in sport, Chelsea accuse Mark Clattenberg of being a Nazi.  Apparently because footage shows him marchign around dressed in black before sending people to the showers.

More awfulness later, unless we win, in which case I’m off.

17/11/2012

Maybe a bit late but worth telling:- Mitt Romney is a Mormon and if elected he wants to attack Iran.  Mormons wear magic underwear, believe that God comes from a planet called Kolob and that American Indians are descendants of ancient Jews.  Anyway I hope he wins the election and destroys those religious nutters in Iran.

Also congratulations to Sir Alex Ferguson celebrating 26 years at Manchester United.  Well 30 years if you include injury time. 

14/11/2012

Nice to see the Gov’t doesn’t mince words in the propaganda war against terrorists:-  

Abu Qatada: – “Kill the infidels!  Slice their throats, burn their homes and take their woman as war booty!”

David Cameron: – “I am completely fed up with this man!”

What do Abu Qatada and Peter Andre have in common?

Neither are going back to Jordan.

Let’s win the lottery so we can help the Gov’t out with deporting this chap.

28/11/2012

It was my wife’s birthday today,so I promised she could have breakfast in bed.  It was a real struggle, but I did it in the end.  I managed to push the bed into the kitchen so she could make it herself.

Cough up 2 quid to stop these rubbish jokes.

05/12/2012

Good news on Kate and Wills baby.  Prince Philip is said to be not so amused, he has been seen in a Mercedes showroom……

We too could be in a Mercedes showroom if we nail this lottery thing.

21/11/2012

What is it with incompetent, rude, hygienically challenged and in the case of the Tube, slightly more tactile than is necessary, people?  I don’t mind the girlies, at least if you get a face full of pony tail, it usually comes with a nose full of perfume.

How does some greasy-haired, man-wookie get/keep jobs?  Second time today I’ve thought this after my journey in and dealing with certain suppliers this morning.  Manners cost nothing, washing powder and soap not much more.

If we scoop top prize this week I am going to ride the tube in rush hour wearing a long coat customised with metal spikes and those timed perfume sprayers you find in public toilets and poor people’s homes.  Wish me luck but someone has to clean up this city.

12/12/2012

Morning all, quick topical one:-

Can’t wait to see the film version of Tom Cruise’s autobiography.  Or, as most people seem to be calling it:- The Hobbit.

There is no reason to panic about the end of the World, particularly as predicted by a bunch of Ancients.  Let’s face it if the Mayans were any good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.  So I’ll still be collecting for some time to come!

Merry Christmas!

19/12/2012

I’ll be collecting for the 2 weeks as I’m off next week, so get your pennies at the ready (not you Mark!).

Given the time of year when we fill our faces with food, drink and screens, I do like the food ads.  But I’ve never understood the adverts where a sexy woman in a man’s shirt finds some chocolate and slowly takes one before seductively placing it in between her luscious lips.  What they fail to show is how it finishes with her eating the whole box before shouting at me for judging her, and then crying herself to sleep.

Maybe too soon, but you know me, I like to stay relevant – American Scientists are baffled how Canadians can watch movies, play video games and not shoot each other.

Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year!