05/01/2011

New Year, clean slate of optimism – you have to feel lucky otherwise what’s the point.

Whatever happens though it won’t change me, mainly because I am already a bit of a toff.  But as I discovered before Christmas, I’m also an ordinary bloke when I found myself in Tiffany’s and after being forced to ‘browse’ – an alien concept at the best of times – I had to admit defeat and ask an assistant where the bloke counter was.  The baffled lady asked me what I meant and so I told her, it’s the one with the price tags attached to the items.  In future I will stick to those retailers who suit my SAS style of purchasing.

That will be £2 please………….

19/01/2011

Sorry for no email last week, I appreciate without the helpful pep talk, for some of you it simply means Wednesday doesn’t exist!

I am convinced that karma is at work here, the last few weeks have been dire with not even a win of £10.  Surely the Gods are looking down and getting ready to chuck a well-timed thunderbolt into ‘Merlin’ or whatever lottery machine gets used, and give us a decent pay out.

So when you get a chance discreetly make some sort of sacrifice today (not me obviously otherwise the money won’t get delivered to the shop!).

26/01/2011

I have to confess, I was convinced that we were about to actually win this last Wednesday but as I am still here you can see that we didn’t.  We got a tenner which is something but we are due a big one, I just know it.

I’ll be round to collect as usual.

02/02/2011

Even though I am sure we are just a short way from winning this one, we have to be prepared in case Fate decides otherwise.

One thing I was looking at recently was the cost of bills, and water in particular.  In fact I’ve told my water company to get lost and am in the process of contacting Oxfam instead.  Apparently they can supply clean drinking water for a family of 4 for just £2 a month.  What a bargain!

09/02/2011

Slack – a word that describes our lottery quite nicely.  Doldrums – another word that fits all too nicely right now.  What we need is a sign, something to give us hope.  Unfortunately in these times we can spot things like comets coming a mile off.  Forgive me asking, but no one has killed an albatross recently, no? 

Ultimately our luck has to turn soon – did I hear some lucky get won the lottery twice now?  Just who were they sleeping with?

16/02/2011

As we go through life, being bombarded by information left, right and centre, it’s easy to end up accepting things at face value instead of questioning what we are being told.  For example, if Ron Weasly was such a good magician, how come he is still ginger? 

At least the one thing you can depend on is me.  Coming round your desk, taking your money and delivering it to the lottery. 

23/02/2011

We need a win this week, something big ought to do it.  The main reason being is that some of the best holiday destinations are going up in smoke, and its time to go there before the Iranians turn up in their (British built) warships and funny ideas.

I’ll be in Sharm El Sheik next month where I intend to spread the British way of doing things.  Well it’ll be a Union Jack towel spread over a lounger at any rate.  Still need some wonga to counteract the expected oil price rise now……..

As for Libya, surely that is karma paying back for trying to kill Doc in B2TF part 1?

02/03/2011

Fortune favours the brave.  Unfortunately, the only brave person I know left the lottery syndicate some time ago and is Mr Robinson up here on the third floor.  Every evening he goes to Victoria station, nonchalantly gets on a train, the train leaves the station, crosses the bridge over the river, travels through a series of crime scenes before arriving in the Green Zone at Dulwich. He does this 5 days a week backwards and forwards with no thought for his own safety, I tell you what, hats off to the guy!

So if we can just muster up a fraction of this bravery and maybe fortune, will indeed, come our way.  If something is going to come your way, better money than the block of air I entered into after passing through the barriers at Green Park last night, recently vacated by someone, who several hours earlier I’m guessing, had enjoyed a rather cheap pasty.  

Next week I’ll be hoping for some more luck as well, as I’ll be in Egypt.  Hopefully the Egyptolites will not suddenly decide that perhaps shooting a lot might, after all, be the best way of resolving their Gov’t issues.  In the meantime, any volunteers to do the lottery next week?

16/03/2011

It is almost churlish to bang on about material wealth with the unspeakable tragedy and horror unfolding to a group of foreigners.  In an instant they went from having it all to suddenly being wiped out.  We just have to hope and pray that Arsenal have a better season next year.

And this being the lottery email, I feel obliged to let you know what I would do if we won a nice load of wonga.  I’d make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur…..

23/03/2011

This run of bad luck is getting to me now, it has been weeks since we actually made any money.  I need focus and concentration, we are due a big one and now is our time.  We deserve it, especially as we can’t rely on the budget today!

I’ll be round later to whip up further frenzy…..

19/04/2011

I’m orf tomorrow chaps, so I’ll get the tickets tonight on my way home from cash in the tin.  I’ll get the money off you on Thursday (right, Simon?).

27/04/2011

It’s time for another Royal Wedding, a great occasion when we can set aside our worries and have a party to celebrate Britain at its best.  It makes me feel proud to be a part of this Great Nation, bringing joy and an excuse for beers to the masses in celebration of our Monarchy, demonstrating to the rest of the World how tradition and a stiff upper lip can overcome all. 

Now we just need to set some of that British resolve in the direction of the lottery so we can celebrate in even greater style this Bank holiday.

04/05/2011

When I heard the most evil man on the planet has died, my initial thought was who are they going to get to manage United now?  Apparently Bin Laden is now the most evil man in the sea.  Better not tell Plankton off Spongebob Squarepants then.

So now the World is a slightly safer place I should get to the shop later to do our numbers.

10/05/2011

Today is the launch of the Tuesday Euro millions with an £85m jackpot.

What say we waste a tenner from the tin on 5 tickets?  Use the voting buttons above to have your say.

11/05/2011

The average Spanish male lives to be 81 years old.  Even in death, Seve Ballesteros proves what a pro he really is by coming in 27 under par.

All this goes to show how short life is and we need to seize the day before we have our own seizure.

18/05/2011

So the Queen is visiting Ireland this week, and with it a feeling of good cheer and warmth.  Especially if the bomb goes off.  Incidentally did anyone else think of the movie ‘Speed’ when they heard a bomb on a bus had been diffused?

In these uplifting moments we should look to our own well-being and a lottery win can only help here.  I’ll be round as usual to collect.

25/05/2011

My Missus was saying that if we won the lottery the first thing she would like is a facelift and a boob job.  I told her that actually the first thing I’d do is put a new engine in the car and give it a respray.  She asked what the point was of doing that old heap up? 

My point exactly.

Let me know what you’d spend you slither of winnings on when I pop round shortly.

01/06/2011

With a bunch of killer cucumbers on the loose it just goes to show you can’t tell what is round the corner that can get you.  Meat gives you cancer, vegetables salmonella, what next?  People being attacked in the street by wholemeal sandals?  At least sweets and other processed food have had all the bugs cooked out of them. 

Hopefully our sheer bloody minded persistence will soon begin to payoff, we have managed to scoop some tenners recently – not enough for us to switch to a Haribo diet, but not long now my fried-egg jelly sweet friends.  Not long.

08/06/2011

Er.yeah..its today, round shortly..

22/06/2011

As Wimbledon has started we are all going to need money for umbrella’s, how about we win the lottery to get the umbrella of our dreams?

Now that’s a plan.

29/06/2011

After a disappointing Euro lottery once more it’s time to think about the positive aspects of a decent win.  Personally I’m thinking of a new car, my missus drives our car around like lightening.  I don’t mean she is fast, she goes round driving into trees and knocking people of their feet.

We could take a holiday in Greece, seeing as we’ve already given them the money….

20/07/2011

With the phone hacking scandal hitting the news there are some NoW reporters out there looking for a job, perhaps it’s time to contract one in to hack the National Lottery and find out the winning numbers?  Sadly, the pitiful proceeds in our tin might make this a bit tricky but let’s face it we are officially desperate.

27/07/2011

What a week; mass murder, another famous person pegging it at 27, huge famine in Africa  – a load of bad news.  More so if you count the fact out team only came second in the Office Treasure Hunt last week as well.

To cheer ourselves up, how about us winning this lottery, eh?  Sounds like a plan?  You know it makes sense.

03/08/2011

After last week’s tragic news in the music industry, there is more this week as Justin Bieber has been found alive and well in his flat.

It seems however that the wheel of fate works in mysterious ways and one person’s tragedy seems to result in a win for us – £20 quid last week alone.  So let’s all have a good think about who we would like to see pop their clogs – The Scissor Sisters spring to mind as does that Jamie bloke who sings jazz – that should net us a few quid in the event of a tour bus going off the road somewhere.

While you pray, I’ll send the collection plate round.

24/08/2011

It’s now more imperative than ever that we win the lottery, by doing so we can save lives!

Just by winning a big wad of cash each, we can move house and many lives will be saved.  Its official.  In a recent study by the RAC 70% of fatal accidents happen within 3 miles of home so by moving away problem solved.

31/08/2011

Another week, another Winter on the way…. surely this is our time to win some holiday money.  Or even cash for Christmas which will be upon us shortly.  Or even to set aside for next year’s holiday so we have something to look forward to.

As you can probably tell, it’s getting cold and I’m depressed about it.  Cheer me up by giving me £2 so we can win this thing.

07/09/2011

It is hard to forget that it is almost 10 years since the attack on New York by terrorists.  You could try but the number of documentaries on the telly makes it very difficult (still too soon?).

In other news Colonel Gaddafi has vowed to set Libya on fire.  I’m no expert but I’ve never found sand to be that flammable……

Give us £2 and I’ll stop with the jokes for this week anyway.

14/09/2011

Not sure if we are multi-miw-yo-nares from last night yet, but just in case we aren’t I’ll be round as usual to fulfil what has become more habit than hope on the usual lottery.

21/09/2011

As we move from warm and damp to cold and damp with a bit of dark thrown in, those glossy brochures down at the travel agents start to look a bit more appealing.  What could be better than to start the chilly season with the warm glow of a decent win?

You know it makes sense.

28/09/2011

It’s that time again, and after last week’s dismal performance do one of the following:-

*           Stop off at your local shrine on your way to my desk

*           Pray to whatever God you worship

*           Finger your lucky charm (mine’s Kylie Minogue if you were wondering)

We need all the luck we can get, so concentrate and be lucky.

05/10/2011

Crikey this came around a bit quick form last week.  Hot off the press this week is pensions, well who cares because with what we are about to receive courtesy of Camelot, may we all be truly grateful!

Sadly, its likely to be far less than a retirement pot, but nice to wonder what we would blow it on anyway.

12/10/2011

I mentioned last week about Wednesday coming round fast, to the point where it’s like Groundhog Day.  Unfortunately, with the same consequences of not winning it.  Help me break my Bill Murray impression, get the cash and maybe the girl too.

19/10/2011

It’s almost time for the early birds amongst us to start our Christmas shopping and with money tight what could be better than a wad of (almost) free cash.  The sad news is that whatever we win would quickly start to erode thanks to inflation.  Still, I’d take the win and live with the issues!

Be round later as usual.

26/10/2011

The World’s population has this week, passed the 7 billion mark. To celebrate this achievement we should win the lottery this week so we can travel the World and meet them.

02/11/2011

With the start of Movember for some of us, I have started to notice some pretty impressive moustaches on some of the woman on the tube journey to and from work.  I don’t feel so self-conscience next to them!

With a neat lottery win we can afford a decent trip to the barbers on Dec 1st to celebrate the shaving off of the facial topiary.  The ladies can choose their own pampering of choice of course.

09/11/2011

Everyone I know seems to be going through some bad luck from deaths, job losses debt issues – even I am not immune to the lack of luck doing the rounds, only yesterday my season ticket decided to stop working at the barrier forcing me to replace it with a new one.  You have to wonder what the World is coming to.

So let’s hope the first of the green shoots has a Queens head on it this week.

16/11/2011

With the facial fungus looking prominent I have to confess to much mirth.  That said can’t wait for the end of the month. I keep thinking I am getting some serious looks off the ladies on my commute only to remember I am sporting a privet hedge beneath my nose and they are actually staring at that. Shame.

Anyway no one has asked me round to fix there washing machine yet.  Maybe if we were lottery winners that could change!