LOTTERY - 2017
04/01/2017
New Year, new year’s resolution – just the one this year and it’s to be ‘nice’. In the Office. Forget my fellow travellers, they are beyond help, the miserable gets. 2016 was a bad year for just about everyone I know, with the odd bright spot thrown in as a teaser. By being a bit nicer, I’m trying to foster an island of culture where positivity lifts us up to a better place. Let’s face it, the happier we are the more luck we generate and faced with the Lotto odds, we need any help we can get.
This has been tried before and, interestingly enough, the nicer I became the more horrible everyone else became. A gap had opened up in the market and everyone piled in, but now we are aware this can happen we can guard against it, right? First one to say b*llocks gets a cake penalty!
If this actually works, I may even yawn more quietly in the Office. How’s that for incentive? Or we can just win this thing and be done with it, now that would be a great start to the year.
11/01/2017
Lovely journey in over the last couple of days. For some bizarre reason I ended up squashed near old people 2 days in a row, neither of which was particularly pleasant. Why do they all seem to breathe heavily, lean right in front of your face and smell? There is only so long I can hold my breath for. I was beginning to wish it was strike day again just so I could dictate the company around me. To top it all off the barrier at Kings Cross last night took my ticket, did a hokey cokey tease with it and destroyed the magnetic strip on the back in the process. Something else to sort out on the way home tonight.
Anyway enough of my moaning, we are a third way through January and it may snow in the next couple of days! Nice. Let’s really re-create the magic of Christmas just gone, with a whopping great lottery win, be round later to collect.
18/01/2017
Monday was officially the most depressing day of the year. Well we got through that OK, but here is a thought, there can be plenty of other depressing days in 2017, they just won’t be as bad as last Monday. Mind you it couldn’t have been that bad as there were no train hold ups while they scraped anyone off the rails.
With an awful lot of luck, we may be in for a good day at the end of this month when we get our letters from HR revealing pay raises and bonuses.
Really we should be aiming at making all days’ happy days; preferably starting with one very, very, very happy day thanks to Camelot.
01/02/2017
Yea ha, no more January….now can everyone stop being horrible? For example, I faced a juxtaposition on my way in the other morning, open hostility between some of my fellow passengers and people on the platform who couldn’t get onto the packed train. On the other hand, a very English attitude of apologising for ever-so-slightly bumping into each other could be heard between the same passengers at the terminus. Like some mad, attitude based yo-yo, it went back and forth. I was almost afraid to turn a corner as you didn’t know
which extreme attitude I would witness next. My Missus witnessed some man and lady going hammer and tongs on a train carriage yesterday to the extent they were hoping not to see each other till the following Tuesday. Apparently this caused some of the carriage to empty into adjoining areas and not necessarily to make room for the tarpaulin and mud.
This could be the result of the void left by me continuing my New Year’s resolution to be nice being filled by strangers as well as my fellow work colleagues? It would be nice to get back to a position where I’m wondering if the Tube carriage will be full of skin diseases or moustached Ladies rather than bad attitudes. I reckon now January is over things will get better (I’m an eternal optimist) and Feb, being short, means pay day come around quicker.
16/02/2017
I know it’s a day late but I’ve had some back issues and some extra work has come in too (always welcome and best not complain until we have the cash in our mits at least). I’ll be round to collect the cash today so look forward to seeing all your beaming faces shortly.
01/03/2017
A busy week last week so no email. I have
managed to continue my nice streak into March, helping out some colleagues who
were short staffed this week. Hopefully they will return the compliment
with a Thankyou at some point otherwise I’ll be forced to explain the
difference between being ‘nice’ and ‘weakness’. A sharp implement ought
to cover it. Or maybe I’ll resort to putting bagels on their heads and
singing ‘For they are jolly good bagels’ (this follows an issue with some
commuters on my train line this week, fortunately they were on a train in the
small hours).
Last night though it was pancakes, continuing with
the food based theme, I was ready to go with a 10 pack of microwavable but my
Missus had the batter ready so homemade it is. When it comes to
food of the Gods I’m easy on how it all comes together. Sugar and lemon,
chocolate spread, jam and bananas. All major food groups covered with
that one.
Let’s nail the Lotto this week and you can choose
the filling you want in the restaurant of your choice.
16/03/2017
Unless you live in America, Spring is well under way with the Daffs out. Not long till the clocks change and we are reaching for the sunnies and suncream. Plenty of time for one last dump of snow to blizzard its way across the Country. We will soon come back to life as the Vit D kicks in but before the Winter blues finally dissipate let’s reflect on what we have learnt this week.
– Jacqui and Allison ogle the chaps on the commute to work.
– Paul is an IT God who advises Bill Gates
– Simon has the ability to check his email for an entire team meeting.
– And I’m still flat out.
Just another week in the Office then.
22/03/2017
For some time now I have known that my personal home data was not well protected should my house be burnt down or burgled so over the weekend I took the plunge and bought myself some cloud. Having quite a lot of stuff, I only went for a Cumulus on the basis I don’t need to back everything up there (that would require a very expensive Cumulonimbus). The system reckons it will take a couple of days
to get everything up there initially, maybe some sort of low front blowing it about a bit maybe, but once there it will be safe and secure for a reasonable yearly subscription.
As I come round later to collect the money maybe you can regale me with what you would stick in the cloud and why. And that one to number 2 as Paul O’Grady will be saying shortly (reboot of ‘Blind Date’ anybody?).
29/03/2017
My journey in this morning should have been an easy one, especially required at the mo as I’m suffering badly from jet lag after the clocks changed at the weekend. I caught the earlier train which is a bit slower but avoids the bun fight for a seat and no waiting around as it’s there on the platform waiting for me. Sadly, this means it does stop at other places on the way and the first stop was Hatfield – twinned with Mos Eisley.
Sure enough some gentleman got on and sat near me. My peaceful dozing was suddenly interrupted by the uncompromising sounds of his mandibles chomping on a sausage and egg sandwich. Judging by the sounds, he was clearly enjoying himself – still not sure how he managed to fit in the slurping sound though – but either way it was time for the headphones to come out, as there seemed to be no
way his lips were capable of coming together during the mastication process, which seemed to be going on forever.
They say there is a rise in the ‘me’ generation and I can well believe it, people these days seem to treat public spaces as an extension of their own private living rooms and it’s not a pretty insight into how they live their lives. Bring back the ‘War generation’s values I say.
On a different note the new pound coin is released this week and when we scoop ‘The Big One’ it will be an opportunity to collect a large wedge of the 12 sided staples.
05/04/2017
The warmer weather brings more optimism with it, although Easter is a traditional time for eating lamb so not so great for them. With Palm Sunday coming up I have recently taken the opportunity to give up helping others and palm off some jobs in other team members directions. This is still in keeping with me being ‘nice’ just don’t want anyone to confuse ‘nice’ with ‘weakness’. I am also off next week which is great news for me as I intend to relax and do b*gger all – I deserve it! Quality time with the family beckons, as does a shed load of
chocolate, especially mint chocolate which has to be the best kind.
On my travels to collect £2 off you, feel free to argue the t*ss over which chocolate is your favourite.
20/04/2017
After a nice week away celebrating Easter, we come back to a General Election. Personally this won’t affect our continued high risk lottery strategy, our pursuit of fabulous wealth trudges on. Our optimistic approach can’t be any worse than Mr Corbyn, his best line is that the election is not necessarily a foregone conclusion that he will be wiped out.
Give us £2 and see how quickly I can wipe it out.
26/04/2017
After a few years gap, a new classification of social classes has been defined and there are 7 of these. It turns out that you only have to earn around £62k and above to be in the Elite top class. Just a slight win on the Lotto should therefore catapult us into the Jazz loving, top 6% Elites with over £140,000 in the bank. We are more probably in the ‘Technical Middle Class’, I am as I listen to Classic FM when I’m making the kids pack lunches. That said I just did the test, and not really a massive surprise – I am an Elite! I think going to the Opera might have swayed it. That and the ability to snort like a true snob every now and again.
You too can take the test while I am extracting the £2 subs for the working class pastime of gambling:-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22000973
03/05/2017
These short weeks are a long drag and with a last gasp of super pollen in the air, I’ve found myself looking forward to the weekend again. All this wishing your life away is bad karma. We need to become financially independent so every day is the weekend, think about it, we can complete all those box sets we have collected over the years. I’d have the time to work out how to use an X-Box controller properly so my 8 year old son doesn’t have to keep dragging it away from me when he wants to shoot, score, build or complete a puzzle on whatever game we are collaborating on. We would be able to get fitter then be able to relax more at the Spa post workout. Honestly, structured right, I’m
not sure how I’d be able to fit in any actual ‘work’.
So I’ll be round to collect the cash later, this is our week – I can feel it.
10/05/2017
With a new addition to the family at the weekend in the form of a second car, we decided to go for the fun factor and procured a Mini. A sporty number and bought from a friend who happens to also be in this syndicate. Just have to hope haven’t been stitched up, one careful owner and several others who couldn’t give a monkeys. Now he has the money, I keep hearing stories of how quick it is and how late
you can brake….
I’m sure it is fine though. I heard him say he’d buy if back if we won the lottery this week so he wouldn’t have filled the gearbox with sawdust if that was the case. If you had to buy something fun out of your winnings, what would it be and why? Let me know when I pop round, just try and keep it clean, Jacqui.
17/05/2017
Summer is over till October now and in some ways the rain is great for the garden which has been a bit parched recently. With that in mind we can get on with the job of worrying about the up and coming election. Stark choice between the following as far as I can work it out:-
– The lefty 1970’s retro-party
– Fox hunting anti-green party
– Tax raising, Europe loving, wasted vote party
– Not worth considering anyone else
The only consolation here is that the Fox killers will get the best deal in Europe. What we really need is a massive cash injection to make it all seem a bit more irrelevant, whilst I’m no political party, I can offer hope – a third way if you like. Cheap at £2 too, so better value for money and fully costed manifesto of fun. Be round to collect your vote shortly.
24/05/2017
Last week we discovered that the German National football team coach – Joachim Low – was recently outed as serial nose excavator and prolific crotch scratcher. And then sniffing his fingers. Personally on the last point, I’ve always thought it is a shame to neglect any of the senses. Whilst I have no desire to start licking windows (I’ll leave that to Paul), sniffing things seems perfectly legit to me. Sniffing out a massive lottery win as so far eluded us but I’m sure I can taste a win just round the corner. Who knows next time you are out in public, pop a hand down your shreddies for a quick helicopter and then take a deep tope on your fingers – you may just get a call from the English FA.
31/05/2017
More pollen, more bunged up noses and the lovely soundtrack to my commute of people sniffing. You would have thought all the rain would have sorted it all out? I can’t moan too much as I must have eaten a couple of kilos of mucus in the last week on my way to and from the Office. It also didn’t help much either that last night I was roped into a bike ride with the kids to a nearby nature reserve. Cycling along a confined path by trees, next to a river when you are a bit puffed out is ticking all the ‘bad idea’ boxes. Talk about a Mexican 3 course meal, I must have hoovered up several swarms of flies but not before their rather annoyed and hungry cousins descended on my legs and had a right old banquet.
Let’s make sure we nail the lottery this week so I can get myself a faster bike, a set of thick skins and a front spoiler to shove the little gets to one side.
07/06/2017
It’s the big one this week, not the lottery, but the General Election. Is anyone overly bothered? As long as Mrs May gets in with a sizeable majority its job done for (hopefully) a good Brexit. Hopefully the SNP will lose a few seats to the Scottish Tories too.
Sadly we only just missed out on the Euro millions the other week by a mere 5 numbers and the 2 lucky stars.
Maybe this month we can gamble on a few scratch cards and a dabble on the Thunderball (it has better odds). Knowing our luck, we’ll get a massive win, pop out for a celebratory night out and get wasted by some religious zealots……
14/06/2017
With the electorate once again unexpectedly doing the wholly expected (i.e. not reading the official script, fed up with same-old-same-old politics but not enough to let the loony left in) we are all left stitched up and blaming everyone else with a (nearly) hung Parliament. The parallels to a normal day in the Office are striking, and as such, this is a normal Wednesday. I will come round and collect £2 off each of you, and despite the numbers originally being picked by you; I will be blamed for when we don’t win. Just like politics, no one wants this job! Let us hope Brexit negotiations go better than the last week but just in case they don’t, let’s all hope we have won this thing and can rise above the seething poor masses with a smug grin on our faces.
Speaking of tans, the rumours that the Office chillers are not working are not true. It’s actually Grant’s nuclear frazzled head that is radiating out enough warmth to raise the temperature on the floor by some 2 degrees Celsius. If we win this thing we can buy him an industrial pot of After Sun and a fan.
21/06/2017
The lovely weather we are experiencing at the mo has, for me, meant the bar-b-q was wheeled out at weekend. Some friends came over for the feast which involved a decent selection of farmyard animals getting burnt up. In fact so much was cooked, by the time we all finished eating there was such a massive pile of bones left on the table that it resembled an archaeological dig in the Montana Badlands. I almost have enough to build myself a Fred Flintstone car.
However I’m sure if we won the Lottery this week we would be able to afford a slightly better motor than Mr F had. We have splashed a few extra notes on the Thunderball this week to boost our chances of making this a Summer to remember.
29/06/2017
The Human Race is a paradox, humanity is great and collectively when we are in trouble, we stick together and help each other. The vast majority wouldn’t like to see any of us get hurt and we rejoice in the cultures we bring together (who doesn’t like a good curry, eh?). However, as individuals it’s hard to find anyone who isn’t a selfish pain in the backside. There are a few individuals who even go as far as think dark thoughts about what they would like to do to other individuals, even if in reality you’ll do nothing about it.
Maybe the Lottery is a bit like that but in reverse. Look at the bigger picture and you wonder why we even bothered in the first place as it’s a complete waste of money and a bit depressing. Individual weeks however are totally different. The palpable excitement in the anticipation of us possibly getting the BIG one. Not to mention these upbeat chivvying emails…..
So I’ll be round to collect later, strap yourselves in, it’s about to get a bit boring again.
05/07/2017
Today’s theme day is Moron Day. Or to give it is full title – National Selfish B*stard Moron Day. In the few short hours I have been up, I’ve been crashed into by about 3,000 back packs, 1 newspaper (straight down the back of the neck) and numerous people just randomly stopping right in front of you in the busiest public transport stairwells and corridors. Thanks to a finely homed collision avoidance
system none of them noticed but it was a close run thing. Did I mention nearly getting shoved off the tube platform at Finsbury Park by a pushy dwarf wearing the most sensible shoes this side of a Clarkes shop? I thought Rosa Klebb was back for a moment there. I’m not making any of this up either.
As you know I am generally a calm person and am experimenting with being ‘nice’ this year? Well in the interests of self-preservation (and the fact it hasn’t made a blind bit of notice), Mr Nasty is warming up as we speak. My positive che has been chewed up and spat out. Given the Human Race is doomed anyway, what is the point?
So give me your cash or get spifflicated.
13/07/2017
Bit late this week but I’ve been snowed under. Not as much as other team members who have been claiming they are too busy to make a tea round. My definition of ‘too busy to make a tea round’ is when a system or systems are down, the Business is screaming and at least one if not two managers are breathing down your neck as you frantically sort the issue. Anything else constitutes in-bred laziness in my opinion and a lack of moral fibre when it comes to your fellow colleagues. Honestly, between 10am this morning and noon the dry spell was such that my Human rights were violated. I was so parched that I couldn’t get my tongue to unpeel itself from the roof of my mouth to complain.
Maybe if we scoop the winnings this week we can get a Teas Made or some sort of Urn for the spare desk. That way our First World anger can be kept in check.
19/07/2017
There has been some good news stories being touted round recently, economically we now have more people in employment since the 1970’s. However commentators are still saying that productivity per worker is down, for those of us who have to deal with other businesses it’s not hard to see why. Anyone who hears the phrase ‘I’ll look into it and get back to you’ should know instantly they are more likely to be hit by lightning from one of the current storms than hear from that person again. No one, it seems, can be bothered. Far from American
customer service creeping into our culture, things are regressing backwards to the 1970’s where thanks to more Government owned businesses, outright rudeness was the order of the day. At least your expectations were managed in those days, a flick of the V sign from the Lady at the Post Office counter meant you were free to carry on with your shopping elsewhere and not hang around having your time wasted waiting for a call that wasn’t coming.
Now is the time to win this Lotto, that way we can send the Lackey out to do the mundane day-to-day stuff like dealing with ‘ordinary people’. We can concentrate on the important stuff like propping up the economy with our new found millions.
26/07/2017
I always wondered why our Northern brethren put a T apostrophe in front of words for no reason whatsoever. The only conclusion I am able to think of is that they may have overheard some Southerners do it with a different letter and thought it was a great idea. The trouble is, if true, I don’t think they quite got the concept – for example “F’coffee”, “F’cough” or “F’queue” (as oppose to the nearest queue
I should imagine).
On a more sombre note, it has come to light that once more I work with people, who if they were born during cave man days, demonstrate that they wouldn’t have left the valley. I came across a banana skin in the recycling bin. What on Earth is going on there? What was going through the persons head when they put it in the clearly marked blue recycle bin and not the landfill one next to it? Let’s take a deep dive and see what was going on inside said persons mark 1 noggin. Cue the dream sequence:-
“Hmmn…”<nosh, nosh>”…banana……nice. This is the best”<nosh, nosh>” banana in the World…..mmmmn. I hope it never….oh no…wait…its gone! Damn, that was a good banana. Oh well, better put the skin in the bin, I suppose. Shame because that WAS a nice…ooh, wait a minute – a recycle bin! No…maybe….surely it wouldn’t ….but then again, yes! I am a genius!!!! Yes, I’ll put it in THAT bin, just have a wait a couple of days and HEY PRESTO! A new banana should appear! Woo, hoo!”
Oh dear, lets quickly wrap up this Lottery cash so we can escape the madness! I hear the next valley is very nice at this time of year.
02/08/2017
It transpired in the news this week that two artificial intelligence computers at Facebook decided that English as a language was not good enough and they could speak faster if they developed their own version of it. However as this looked like gibberish to their Human Masters, they turned them off. A bit like these emails over the years some might say, though there is a serious lack of intelligence involved here. Any machine would run a mile from using the lottery as a vehicle to riches but that’s where Humans are just better. We have hope, unrealistic dreams and an ability to fly in the face of logic to try and make it happen. Who wants to dream of ones and zeros (“On, off, on, off – yeah baby! – on, off”, nope not working for me) unless it’s on a bank statement? So follow me on my own version of Moore’s Law where £2 gets turned into millions faster than a quantum calculator. Come on hand it over, the dreams are about to become reality.
10/08/2017
Comedy gold moments on the tube this morning with some chap exclaiming loudly to random girl next to him, “Hey, you just rammed you bag into my testicles!” As she had headphones in, she didn’t hear what he said, took one out and said “What?” so he had to repeat it a second time. If it was me I like to think I’d stoically keep schtumm rather than advertise my pain loudly. Another girl found herself in the way of a couple of chaps trying to get off the train, so quickly bent down to pick her bag up and get out of the way. Tragically, the timing was off and the first chap was upon her, impaling his nether regions onto her mark one noggin thus creating another unfortunate situation not normally seen outside of the dark web. How I managed to keep a straight face I’ll never know, extra stiffness to the upper lip was required to prevent any quivering. To be fair she was good looking so I was almost tempted to exit the train myself despite it not being
my stop.
On a more sobering but interesting note, have a look at this:-
06/09/2017
Having spent the first 6 months of this year vainly attempting to be nice to everyone in the hope it may rub off on them so they also start to be nice – a stupid idea in hindsight as all that happened was everyone become that bit nastier to fill the void – a brief spell in America has shown this is actually possible. For years we have laughed at American service for its false ‘Have a nice day’ but maybe no more. Not only was I in America, but New York of all places, where the plain speaking Yanks aren’t known for holding back if you displease them. Indeed on day 1 we saw a brief and frank exchange of plain English between a pedestrian and a car driver which amused my 9 year old son no end. That turned out to be it though and everyone else was friendly and approachable, nothing was too much whether we were lost or just being tourists and getting the way. Even when we picked up the car, everyone waved a ‘thanks’ when you let them out of a side turning, no one stuffed you at a junction. Have a nice day? We certainly did every day, and it just worked everywhere you went. Everyone seemed that bit less stressed or worried and at the same time moved just as quickly as they do here.
So am I about to repeat my experiment anytime soon?
Nah.
Whilst it was great, sometimes you need those moments when you stiff someone and get to chuckle inwardly with a feeling of superiority. A bit like when we win the lottery this week in fact.
13/09/2017
Audi drivers. A unique branch of the Human race the rest of us can’t wait to go extinct. These are people who are happy to empty their fuel tanks in half the time you would, by booting the loud pedal just to gain 1 place in a queue of cars totally unnecessarily. Some chap did this only this morning to me which was fine, as I normally leave a bit of a gap to the car in front (so I don’t get a high intense hit of cancer from its exhaust). It says something that the most shocking aspect was that he used his indicators to carry out the manoeuvre to at least give some semblance of decency and warning. It made no difference overall though, he was still a get.
I’d say they might get round to relaxing when they are out of their cars but even as pedestrians you can still spot them. They are the people who walk past you in the street, brushing their elbows against you totally unnecessarily, cut in front of you and then get their phones out before slowing right down causing you to go round them before they repeat the manoeuvre. They will stop in shop doorways, or other pinch points, blocking them, so they can check their phones for texts without any thought or care in the World. They own the planet and can do what they like, when they like and “What’s your problem?” if you object to them moving into your space as if you aren’t there?
It’s time we won this lottery so we can get ourselves Monster trucks and go round flattening these cars. No idea what to do about their attitudes though……
21/09/2017
Just a quick one this week as its all kicked off in the Office, I’ll be round to collect shortly!
27/09/2017
In these paranoid times we live in, it’s hard to think about long term plans. Are we going to get nuked next week by N Korea, wiped out at a more leisurely pace by global warming or even more instantly on the tube journey home by someone who feels we aren’t being respectful to their chosen deity? Equally as scary is the rhetoric coming out of Brighton this week at the Labour conference (especially the bit about
them really believing they won the election!) you’d better start praying they don’t get in at the next election or we will really be in trouble.
Even at work, we can’t blithely go about downloading files from reputable companies anymore in case they contain a payload which will bring the company to its knees. You can’t even say don’t worry because the Sun is still shining because that just means skin cancer.
With all this doom and gloom around you’d think we would all be a bit miserable but no. We may be partying while Rome burns but we are all fiddling away like demented Neros and why not? As Humans we are naturally optimistic. It’s why I firmly believe we will win the lotto this week (or at least soon). Share the dream with me and we will all be all right.
04/10/2017
Have you ever looked at people of the Tube or out-and-about, and done a double take as you recognise them from somewhere? Familiar faces that turn out not to be Victoria Beckham or that bloke in the Office, but very similar. Only this morning I shared my journey with a Rio Ferdinand and Alan Yentob look-alikes. The more you start looking the more you see too and apparently this is down to the genes that make up our faces and the limited amount of ways in which they can go together. Personally I can’t wait to travel home with Kate Upton, though that may lead to a different re-arrangement of my jeans.
This doesn’t mean that if you were to meet your doppelganger they would have the same personality however. One ex-colleague who was considered to be most congenial and an all-round good sport was replaced with a similar looking chap who turned out to be a total curmudgeon.
If we win this thing this week we can scour the Earth for our twins. Bunging a few quid on the Euros this Friday too just in case.
18/10/2017
This week focuses on IT buzzwords and the constant innovation in the techie industry’s ability to constantly come up with new acronyms and concatenated words with which to annoy us with. Anyone heard of ‘teledildonics’ for example? Allegedly this is the act of using remote controlled adult toys. Google it from the comfort of your own internet access if you don’t believe me. More normally we may have to come to terms with the ‘pbook’ – we all know what an ebook is but the pbook? This is the ‘printed’ book or just ‘book’ to 99.99% of the
population.
So I’d be grateful to you all coughing up the cash otherwise I may have to virtual offshore you all. Maybe we can crowdcast our way to a group win.
25/10/2017
Last night’s peace and quiet was shattered around 8 0’ Clock when one of our cats came speeding through the cat flap, like she was being chased by the very Devil himself. Speeding upstairs she finally came to a halt on my bed, very closely followed by the most God awful smell. The pungent smell of ammonia and poo was quickly sourced to her hind quarters and I had to quickly decide to clean her before
she did the job herself with her tongue. Getting her into the bathroom was straight forward, willing the hand held shower on the bath to get up to warm temperature before she finished cleaning herself was another matter, but once done, the tricky part.
Human beings have no issue with getting onto a shower. Cats on the other hand have a pathological hate for water in general, but needs must. Holding her under the front with one hand and the shower in my other hand I managed to hold this mad scrambling cat and give it a good soaking. Impressed? She wasn’t but I was. Despite the mad panic, after a few minutes I think she started to relax. Wouldn’t go so far as to suggest she was enjoying the warm water but at least her fur was restored to …well fur…and the pungent odour had massively subsided. Thanks to Head and Shoulders she won’t be getting dandruff any time soon either. After she had been dried off with an old towel she was almost back to normal and just a bathroom to deep clean now.
So you see, we need to win the lottery this week, as I’m not good with these blue collar kind of tasks. Could be worse as I could be a BrightHouse customer (yeah, right! As if…..).
01/11/2017
As you may be aware being a bit green and banging on about the environment, is my version of religion. As such I got a bit cross this week when I received some junk mail from Capital One trying to get me to sign up to a credit card. The junk mail I don’t mind, I can recycle the paper no problem but they had stuck full blown dummy credit card on the letter with ‘this is what it would look like’ written cross it. If this was a one off then bad, but not the end of the World, but in a time when we are becoming aware how bad one-time-use plastics are this sort of thing is happening millions of times a day. Given it will take a thousand years or so to biodegrade in a landfill surely a card board one or even a picture would have done the job? It’s not like it would ever have been used, at least a credit card gets many uses out of it over a few years!!! This one will probably end up in the ocean…….
So verily, I say unto thee, that as humans it is time to do better with our resources, it’s time to stop being dense and put a bit of thought into the life cycle of what we do. We are well able to do this with the lottery – before we even buy the ticket we have already thought what we are going to spend the cash on. Even poor people can manage that. So, here endeth the lesson. Now how do I exit this pulpit? I need to put my teddy bears back in the pram.
08/11/2017
With competition hotting up between myself and Mr Beet for who is the most careful with their money, I nearly edged ahead at the end of last week thanks to my test drive of an electric car. Pootling around for 10p a tank has to put me up into 1st place now surely? That might be a bit too simplistic sadly, as Leccy cars a more expensive to buy – it does mean I can be a tad more smug on the green front as the air around the car won’t be melting any ice caps or giving anyone cancer.
Mr B may still be the TA winner however as I do like my holidays and my DIY/car mechanic skills are not as good as his either so it could be close. I also like a beer every now and again with my colleagues. Think I’ll give up now and settle for 2nd place! However we both would agree that it would be a great idea for us to win the Lotto this week, not just because Xmas is fast approaching either but life in general is steam rollering over us.
15/11/2017
It’s been a dismal couple of weeks in which a catalogue of things have gone wrong from random hardware failures to general software being attacked by the gremlins, it has been a case of 1 step forward several million steps backwards. A general air of gloom has descended in the work place which is little unusual given the festive period is upon us almost. To cap it all the light in the one working khazi randomly
goes out just when you achieve that one moment of solace. Is there anything left to go wrong? Will I have any energy or motivation left if
it did?
Probably because what else is there to do? Well the Lottery for a start, which is the real reason we are still all here. Spending cash makes us feel better so just pop £2 in my hand as I pass and enjoy a small smile. Maybe, just maybe, after the weekend it will turn into a dirty great beaming grin.
21/11/2017
A week on and the doom and gloom continues. Of course I am referring to the 2nd floor khazi light which seems to time its random light expiry with the act of finishing off in the tissue phase. With that in mind I availed myself of the third floor facilities and on settling down for the duration, glanced to my right and was amazed to find myself looking at someone’s flob. Even putting most of the questions that spring to mind to one side, the foremost being “Why?”, you do begin to wonder the sequence of events that lead to the finished result. Did the person mean to do it or did some tongue reflex happen at the opportune moment resulting in a 90 degree swerve resulting in said globule ending up on the tile rather than the confines of the porcelain? Whatever, how come a bit of tissue wasn’t deployed to clean it up rather than waiting for it to ablate at some point during the day, provided someone else doesn’t back up into it in the meantime, resulting in an man-made oyster adornment on their trouser?
Separately a friend of mine in the tech business told me recently that Hybrid buses aren’t working at the mo. Being posh I am suspicious of everyone, so thought I’d check this out and it turns out this isn’t totally correct. As you know Buses meander along, stopping every now and again to pick up some communists and drug dealers, chugging out ice melting fumes from their 11-litre engines but that’s still (slightly) better than the equivalent cars. Well sort of, as the people on the bus can’t afford cars either but at least they can go to work and so contribute to the tax pot so that’s something. But it turned out that the Boris bus I was observing did appear to crawl forward a few feet on its batteries, so some good news.
As an aside, heard on the tube journey in this morning, at an overcrowded Finsbury Park, Tube announcer, when referring to the entrances to the platforms, asks ‘all customers to enter in as far as possible’ and some chap behind me actually sniggered out loud a-la-Finbar Saunders.
To escape from worrying about these micro-level things, let’s win this thing this week and give us the best Xmas ever!
29/11/2017
Despie the terrible news tha the Office dishwasher is no more and no news when the next one will arrive, it’s turning out to be a good week. I’ve already thrown down the gauntlet – or should that be Marigold – to say I’m not doing the washing up so that’s good. The week is moving fast (I thought it was only Tuesday), some work that got dumped on us at the beginning of the week has been churned through and we are expecting to finish it by close of business today and I managed to get a good night sleep banked last night (I usually sleep quite badly).
So far boxes are being ticked.
In the past when we are on a roll, winning the lottery is just a step too far for Lady Luck to stretch to but with Christmas fast approaching maybe this could be our time?
Following on from last week’s observations on the British mass transport system into London, I was astonished to find myself on the train minding my own business the other morning when some older chap, late fifties maybe, sitting in a window seat half looking out of a window lifted hs hand to his face and itched his nose. So far, so normal. This turned out to be a feint however, as he suddenly glanced furtively about to ensure he wasn’t being watched, didn’t see me obviously, before putting his thumb into his nose! A good 10 second suck later and he was back to ‘normal’, even if he wasn’t.
We need to win this thing to save me from these sights, even the normal looking people are a bit weird it seems.
06/12/2017
We are coming into the Christmas party season now and it should be a laugh given our usual cheery souls and the added gallows humour. I myself will be out with the Western (or should that be Weston) branch of the DMW (Dead Men Walking) this Friday. There will be jokes about the ‘last supper’ plus a few others I am sure. In the meantime allow me to attempt to try and get us rich by popping a few sheckles on the Lottery, it’s about time we scooped some cash to brighten our day.
13/12/2017
With just a few days to go till Christmas and a bit of snow to usher the festive season in as well, the time for a big win is now upon us. We fully deserve it, and in some cases, we need it. Most people’s propensity to burn through cash is just amazing, like they are suddenly tasked with getting rid of radioactive waste or something, but I think this is normal. In days of old, the poor saved and the rich lorded it up in extravagance but these days the tables are turned, the wealthy invest and those ‘of the people’ spend what they haven’t got. On new ladders or something probably.
Let us escape the credit cards with a lovely big wedge so we can join the investors and get minted for 2018.
20/12/2017
Last email before Christmas and the New Year! It’s been a funny sort of year least of all carrying on the usual tradition of not actually winning the big prize, in this day and age of uncertainty, it’s always good to know constants are out there.
In this week’s Tube scenes, I had the misfortune to witness a well-dressed Gentleman with his back to me watching a film on his iPad, ‘Hacksaw Ridge’ I think it was – not exactly family viewing at the best of times! This meant he was standing in everyone’s way but was mostly oblivious to this. In the end, the inevitable happened and we reached a station where everyone typically piles off and sure enough he was forced to stop watching and pay attention to the incoming stampede of humanity. This also mean he had to pick his sticking out bag up off the floor and in an act of terrible timing, I happened to glance down just as he did this and fleetingly was treated to view of his hairy crag. The human brain being what it is, the horror was instantly polaroided resulting in someone going over my grave. You can never un-see these things.
Help me get over it by winning this thing this week, Christmas or not I need the money for therapy.