14/01/2009

January.  Cold, dark, damp and depressing.  Apart from the obvious, what can we do to cheer ourselves up?  How about a futile glimmer of hope on the lottery?

You know it makes sense, I’ll be round later to collect.

21/01/2009

“Yes, we can!” and so begins a new era of hope and enlightenment, combined with a healthy dose of peace and goodwill to all.  Nothing like a wheel barrow load of positivity to begin the Lottery week.

In fact, I tried the slogan on the Missus but got told “No we can’t!”.  Something about the moon being in a certain phase.  From good karma to bad karma in about 1 second.

So pointing hope in another direction, winning this seriously elusive lottery win, so I want to hear you say “Yes, we can!” when I pop round to collect later.

28/01/2009

So here we go again, another miserable rainy day in paradise.  Still it could be worse, we are gainfully employed despite our best efforts at
escaping via a huge lottery pay out.  A recent article in the paper suggested that money doesn’t bring happiness and I have to say they have a point.  Look at the split between Prince Harry and Chelsy ‘Agent Orange’ Davy – someone in the Lite commented that with all their money, if they couldn’t make it what chance do the rest of us have? 

What a ker-nob.  Cash is a means to an end, if you don’t need to work again due to the fat wedge in your bank account, you get to spend the day in bed with the girl(s) of your dreams doing unspeakable things to your…well, end really.

Getit?  I will when I come round to collect, which will be this morning as I’m orf this afternoon.

04/02/2009

At last January is over, one step closer to the Summer.  Not that we haven’t enjoyed the snow, eh?

At least it has taken our minds off the economic gloom – speaking of which it is that time of the week where we like to invest into the risky World of the lottery.   A no-holds barred gamble against the odds to secure our futures (well it’d would put a smile on my face at any rate and that’s got to be worth it).

I’ll be round to collect later and you can all show me your lottery smile.

11/02/2009

Cupid is, as we speak, sharpening his little arrows, getting ready to cast his glad eye about the place and I’m always reminded of one of my favourite jokes (along with the knock, knock one of course) – What’s the difference between me coming home with flowers, chocolates for the Missus and knocking up a sumptuous meal and <insert name of person you don’t like>?

Well, one’s a Cupid stunt………

I’ll be round to collect later, let’s make it a big, romantic win.

18/02/2009

It is that time of the week once again, a time to think about what you’d do with all that cash should we be jammy enough to win the lottery.

One thing that probably none of us would go for is a 100ft high horse, like the one proposed down in Kent.  Quite literally a right load of pony.  With the Country credit-crunched and broken there are surely better sculptures we could put up to represent the Country.  No, I’m not proposing a giant
sculpture of a pregnant teenager but how about a giant palm tree so we are reminded of our holidays?  A football maybe to remind us of the weekend and our National game?

Nah, let’s face it, we’d do what every other winner does.  Buy a big house, a flash car and some holidays.  And grin a lot.

25/02/2009

A funny thing happened on my daily commute this morning that I thought I’d share with you, if for no other reason than to realise that even if we don’t actually win a load of cash we are certainly lucky in plenty of other ways.

So there I was standing on the Tube against the glass, double doors to my left, relatively full but still room for a few more.  The chap opposite me
standing against the other partition with his bag on the floor between his legs, all of us minding our own business.  We stop at the next station and the sliding doors between us open, usual story so far, a few people get off, a few people get on.  Just as the doors close the guy opposite bends forward to extract a newspaper from his bag.  At the same time a rather keen commuter comes running across the platform and neatly does an ‘Indiana Jones’ onto the train in between the closing doors.  Sadly, and I have to say, unlike Indiana Jones, the poor chap opposite me who you will remember is bent forward suddenly found himself embedded in this chaps nether regions.  Honestly it would have only taken someone to say ‘While you’re down there’ to finish the situation off.  They both extricated themselves ‘English style’ and I was able to hide my smirks from the occasional glances so it all ended happily.

So be careful what you wish for, when Lady Luck rears her ugly head in our direction, she may just turn out to be a man.

25/03/2009

It’s good to hear that Jacqui is trying to give up the cigarettes, even if there has been the odd relapse but we should wish her well for giving it a go. 
I once knew this girl who was trying to give up and I helped her.  I was with her once and she suddenly started smoking, and do you know what I did?  I slowed down.

Which brings me neatly onto the lottery, as ever I’ll be round later to collect.

30/03/2009

Morning folks,  with the potential issues going on this Wednesday with a bunch of lefties deciding to cause troubles in and around London, it has been suggested I do the lottery today.  This is a good idea as no one would be too happy if I were to get a good kicking and the money nicked off me.  I suspect some of you would be gutted about the money.

So I’ll pop round to collect later.

30/03/2009

It has been suggested many times in the past about putting the cash into a less risky investment.

We have £100 in notes in the tin, and could put a bet on for next Sundays Malaysian Grand Prix, what do you think?  If you vote in favour then this
would be refined further so not necessarily on one driver and not necessarily to win (maybe top 3 for example).

I know the Grand National is coming up but I know b*gger all about horses – any way in the first instance use the voting buttons above.

08/04/2009

So the lottery didn’t quite work out in our favour, but then its is a very high risk strategy and so no real surprises there but we only have to get lucky once and I’m sure this week is going to be the week it happens.

Still our ‘hedge’ bet paid off nearly covering our loss on the Euro Millions so that worked out OK.  Well then, purses out for the lads show us your 2 quid and hopefully we’ll all have a good time.

15/04/2009

Here we go again; another week, another day in Paradise.  You get to see my beaming mandibles while being fleeced for a couple of
quid but just imagine the joy and surprise at scooping those millions – well worth it.

As an aside, with the Chinese Grand Prix this weekend (and subject to todays ruling on those pesky F1 cars rear diffusers) how about a £25 bet on Button to finish top 3?  Voting buttons included, so let me know.

22/04/2009

So we may not be having the luck we deserve at the lottery but our endeavours at the bookies, so far  is paying off with our second win in a
row.  Give it another 10 years and we may be rich!

Any tips for further bets are welcome, so let me know.

29/04/2009

I’m reminded of that old Honda advert “Dream the impossible dream!” when contemplating the next part of this email, namely do we want to blow some cash on the £89m Euro lottery rollover?

I’m hesitant to suggest it given we can’t even win the domestic lottery at far better odds (even tenners are currently eluding us!) but then at the same time £89m is a fair lick of cash……..plus only this morning I was crammed against some ugly bird on the train who, during an otherwise uneventful journey, I accidently went and elbowed in the Blackberry (that’s not a euphemism by the way).  God you should have heard the tutting that went on, brought me out of the deep day-dream I was having which wasn’t good news given the “art pamphlet” nature of it.  Any escape from that selfish attitude could only be welcome.

Anyway I’ll let you decide with the voting buttons above.  With £75 in the tin, how does £25 worth of tickets sound should we do it?

06/05/2009

Summer is almost upon us and I for one feel lucky.  Let’s face it we can’t get any less lucky from a lottery point of view, not even a sniff of a tenner in weeks let alone anything substantial.

It can only mean one thing, we are building up our reserve of luck like some sort of KERS system and any moment now we’ll push the button and win big.

But in case of a flat battery do we want to take a punt on Button doing the business in Barcelona this weekend, say £50?

13/05/2009

We are pants, its official – in a lottery sense we have failed to chalk up even modest wins, let alone the big
one.

What we need is PMT – nothing to do win the moon, this is Positive Mental Thoughts.  We need to focus, concentrate and believe, I
know you can do it, c’mon!

I’ll be bringing it on later today.

20/05/2009

Well another week another continuation of our unlucky losing streak, I can’t even bring myself to recommend a bet on the Monaco Grand Prix – it’s just too unpredictable!

So I think another change of strategy is called for, no longer should we look inward in a selfish just-how-big-should-my-yacht-be-if-we-win attitude.  No, let’s think about the charities we help support and what good we are doing each week – I want positive che, people.  Project out our goodness like some sort of goodwill vomit

I’ll be round later with some whale/pan pipe music, you’ll see me coming as I’ll be walking along the lay line that runs through the office (it’s amazing what you get on Google).

Now where did I put the phone number of that orphanage in Malawi?

03/06/2009

Right then, after a week break (where some might argue we saved a load of cash) it’s time to once more think about the good times and believe and hope that this week it will actually be us.

I can feel the calling, I can see the light, are you with me?  Brothers and sisters, everybody say “yes”!  You know it makes sense.

10/06/2009

Things are starting to look pretty bad now, no wins for quite a few weeks on the lottery and to cap it all Bob Crowes gone and forced us to route march from our respective terminals.  The lefty get, so let’s get our own back and become instant capitalists by finally, once-and-for-all nailing this thing.

I’ll be round to collect as usual.

17/06/2009

Some of us were obviously feeling positive last week as we scooped another tenner – first one for about 8 weeks.  Could this be the big build up we
are all expecting?  If I didn’t think it would happen I would throw in the towel now!

Personally any kind of lean spell makes me a bit moody so a win of any kind is a good thing.  Go on, make my day.

24/06/2009

Our unfortunate streak continues; you’d think with our well-being would be improved now Summer is upon us we would be giving off positive vibes – alright we may not be out in it but at least we have access to Windows now.  See always a silver lining!

All we have to do is more of the same, and hope for gold lining.

01/07/2009

After weeks of financial drought, and everyone including me moaning about it, we finally hit pay dirt.  Sort of.

Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, Saturday night we got one line of 4 numbers (£43) and one line of 3.  Not quite Ferrari territory, but a step in the right direction – perhaps it was the slightly more real threat of scratch cards that did it, who knows.

More of the same, I’ll be round to collect later.

08/07/2009

Applying Tai Che methods to our luck so far let’s see where we stand

*           On the one hand its Summer but it rained really badly yesterday,

*           All the women on the Tube and trains are dressing, er shall we say to impress? But at the same time we are married or female so effectively we are being tortured.

*           The recession is starting to abate, but some would say in a ‘master’ sense as job losses are still pretty bad.

*           We had a lean spell of some 12 weeks with no win, but then got 2 lines recently, one of which was 4 numbers.

So what have we learned, is the balance OK or are we still erring on the side of bad karma?  I would say the latter but is it enough for Lady Luck to throw in the towel and ‘arrange’ for us to scoop the £7M rollover tonight? 

Hmmn, if I was a betting man and owned a farm I may still refrain from a trip to Ladbrokes but hey ho, you got to be optimistic!

15/07/2009

Our reasonable luck seems to be holding with some small wins now under our belt, still not the big one though.  I’m positive though, I think we are looking good and as a group, let’s face it, we deserve it.

The only way is up as my Mother used to say, so show us your pennies and let’s get rich.

22/07/2009

‘The rain, it raineth down on me’ some old Baird crowed, but in this day and age some clever person has gone and invented an umbrella.  It’s called
the Lottery and whilst easy to put up getting a decent result isn’t all that easy, resulting in wet trousers usually.

So to banish rainy days altogether just fill in 6 numbers, and we’ll make life a beach.

29/07/2009

Its official, the Met office is downgrading the Summer from a scorcher to a washout, just in case you hadn’t noticed.  Anyone suffering badly with the
credit crunch and deciding to go camping in this Country to save money may want to think again.  It’s easy to see how these thoughts could lead to a feeling of negativity; crap weather, crap economic outlook, crap that all the girls are covering up more…. but wait it’s not all as bad as you might think.  Think happy thoughts for a moment while I explain, after all we still have our health (no one mention swine flu) – by simply getting right the same 6 numbers as will spring forth from Camelot this Wednesday/Saturday we can instantly transform our lives to the next level.  Bigger house, bigger TV, bigger smiles etc……….yes bigger really is beautiful.   

Just supply me with some modest coinage and wait for the magic to happen.

05/08/2009

We seem to be doing something right – another 4 number win.  Whatever you were doing/thinking last week try and do the same this week as Lady Luck seems to have looked at us and hit the turbo button (albeit a low pressure version).  All we need now is for her to sort us out properly once and for all (in a grateful sense obviously).

I’ll be round later.

26/08/2009

A big thanks to Mr Wills for stepping into the breach over the last couple of weeks while I was away being reminded what the Sun looks like.  Still big, round and yellow I am happy to tell you – and still with the power of helping the ladies to shed their clothes. Unfortunately this also seems to work on the chaps as well but my special Ray Bans have a filter built in which renders them invisible.

So I’ll pop round later as usual to collect the cash, hopefully we’ll make enough to do it all again and for longer. 

02/09/2009

History.  One of the greatest and most interesting subjects to look at.  Whilst some people may think of Abba at the mention of “Waterloo” it can help us with working out the future from past mistakes.  Some may say that paying £2 a week for 8 years with nothing to show for it is a mistake, but a more in depth study shows us that at any time that tiny investment could have yielded us riches a plenty.

So in keeping with that old Chinese proverb “A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step” – in our case we forget to look where we are stepping.  I’ll be stepping round later to collect before journeying on to the shop.

09/09/2009

Comfort Zones.  We all have them and rarely do we venture outside them on the off chance dragons really do lurk out there.  That said it’s great to have a quiet guffaw to one’s self when you spot someone else outside of theirs.

It just so happens that whist exiting the station in the Country town where I live the other day when I spotted a young couple coming towards me.  They looked pretty well dressed except for the chap was wearing a lovely pink polo shirt, apart from the bird song it was the loudest thing going on.  Being a sophisticated man-about-town, I stared incredulously along with all my fellow commuters, and as we passed I heard the girl say “…no pink really does suit you.  You look great….”.  Truth is, he just didn’t and he knew it.

My comfort zone certainly needs shoring up with a lovely injection of cash, I’m sure yours are the same so with that in mind, I’ll be round later to collect.

16/09/2009

We may not have a ‘Derren Brown’ amongst us to go around predicting the lottery, but what we do have is a crowd of sorts.  13 to be precise, but I’m not about to let superstition get in the way (touch wood) of us winning the lottery, so using our collective power we must really believe – not just the usual ‘yeah, whatever’ but actually believe.  And why not, I definitely deserve it!

As usual I’ll be round to collect, so be ready with your belief and some cash.

23/09/2009

I like to think of these emails as some sort of modern electronic take on the group huddle where we metaphorically gather into a circle and I attempt to pep us up with some rousing words.  Obviously I am in between Jacqui and Allison, metaphorically of course (which is just as well given Allison’s reputation) for these chats – well as Grand Chief Wizard of the Lottery why shouldn’t I get to choose?  So my fellow worshippers at the altar of the almighty Sterling, today (or possibly Saturday) is indeed going to be our day or strike me down with some sort of lightening based punishment!

07/10/2009

Last week was a bit disappointing.  Maybe my lack of email had a knock on effect with a lacklustre performance the result.

It’s funny how seemingly simple things can affect the level of return.  Take yesterday for example, I could easily have believed that my flasher mac was actually possessed by some sort of evil gremlin.  The first time I wore it, it immediately caused the trains to and from work to suddenly break down.  Issues at work suddenly increased above normal levels, I was tempted to bin the coat which was clearly the root cause.

But no, sometimes you have to walk under that ladder, let the black cat walk across your path and just smile to yourself that you actually believe some voodoo rubbish is dictating your life.  So I wore it again today.  On lottery day.

If we win then I guess I’ll be obliged to frame it.

14/10/2009

There was a recent article in the paper regarding the head of a University suggesting that the lecturers should enjoy looking at the young ladies in their classes as part of the perks of the job.

I have to say that would make them universally lecherous surely?  Perhaps a job I might consider in that case should I ever fancy a career change, or at the very least should we win the lottery this week I would invest in a telescope.  That way I could take my astronomy hobby a little more seriously and give me a subject to lecture on. 

Feel free to keep your ideas to yourself when I pop round for the money later.

21/10/2009

OK I think I know how this luck thing may actually work.  And it’s called ‘Doing a Button’.

After around 6 to 8 years of continuously yet fruitlessly banging away consistently but with nothing to show for it, all the elements needed suddenly come together in one perfect moment and you win the big prize, name goes down in history, accolades get heaped on you, girls suddenly find you attractive (or boys for the young ladies in our group, well not that they may have had the issues…..you know what I mean).

So there you have it.  Just get the correct numbers in on the form, and its job done.  Goggles on, chocks away last one to get a rock ‘n’ roll life style buys the donuts.

28/10/2009

Well we are still scraping along the bottom gaining the odd tenner here and there.  As such life can seem just that little bit more annoying – take buying cheese for example in your average supermarket for instance.  I went to compare the price of 2 cheddars and one label said so much pence per KG, and the other said so much pence per lb!  So I’m supposed to compare them how (without internet access on an iPhone and doing a conversion)?

We should all go metric, that’s my beef – it will stop us being taken advantage of – give the supermarkets 2.54cm and they will always take 1.61km.  Lottery win?  Bring it on…

04/11/2009

Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better and I think that’s true.  Take Domestos for example, back in the seventies and eighties it killed all known germs dead.  That’s right, the whole lot of them wiped out from one glug of the stuff.  Now fast forward 20 years and only 99.9% of
germs get it!  And given the fact that that 0.1% of germs is not just a few, and you start to see just how far backwards we are moving.

What is more worrying is just how hard these 0.1% of germs actually are if they laugh in the face of some of our thickest and baddest bleach ever.  But wait, all is not lost for I have a plan – now I’ve proved things are getting worse all we have to do is take a punt on the lottery and with the biggest
chunk of luck ever, we can make things better for ourselves.  

So there you have it, Lottery – kills all germs not just the nimby ones.

With a Euro Lottery rollover on Friday do we want a punt on that too given we can’t lose?  Use the buttons above to decide.

11/11/2009

Statistically it appears most lottery winners seem to come from Wales, though it would be a bit extreme to suggest the key to our success would involve actually moving there.

So I have a better plan, think Welsh (no not Allison and Jacqui) – the Country!  So think Mountains, Dragons, castles and valleys.  Mines, singing and St David.  Don’t worry I’m covering Catherine Zeta-Jones and Charlotte Church so take your pick.

So Boyos, I’ll be round later to collect.

18/11/2009

Jungle time once more where couples sit on the sofa and enjoy watching celebrities eat various bugs and animal body parts, usually enjoying it on different levels – the girls like watching the social interaction and the boys like watching the interaction.

Unlike them though, when the going gets tough we can’t bottle out, we have to hang in there pay our money and hope we collect all the gold stars!    Look on the bright side, it’s better than sticking a load of insects in your mouth. 

25/11/2009

I’m getting bored now (only taken 8 years I know).  But I think I may have just come up with a cunning Plan B. 

The Lake District is a very nice place for a holiday, right?  So we quickly insure each other for large amounts of money then go on a canoeing holiday in the Lakes.  Oh dear, lots of floods later and we all appear to have ‘drowned’.  We all secretly live in Jacqui’s flat in Kettering (the last place anyone would look) for a bit – 18 months ought to cover it before we all slip away to some exotic clime.  Panama anybody?  Wait a sec, what are you doing with that camera…Nooooooo!…….

OK stick with Plan A then.

 

02/12/2009

Sometimes life throws some curves your way (and I’m not talking about girls here) and your take on it can be quite random. Take my tube journey home last night, there I was minding my own space when some chap got on carrying a cat basket.  Glancing inside I saw it was empty.  Oh dear I thought, Nibbles didn’t make it.  But then I thought something wasn’t quite right, it was too new and the owner didn’t look too upset.  Yes, he had just bought it and Nibbles was alive and well curled up by some radiator somewhere.

So there is hope and with Christmas around the corner life isn’t always as bad as the first glance, you just have to believe.

 

11/12/2009

Due to illness earlier in the week we gave up one of our chances to scoop a win but no matter – it was a measly 2 point something million anyway so by the time it would have been divided up that would have been about 50p each.

So anyway to the weekend and Saturdays draw, we might as well so I’ll be round to collect a quid off you after lunch.

16/12/2009

With all the climatists converged on Copenhagen right now it would be just our luck to scoop the main prize just in time for the planet to burn itself up before we get a chance to spend it.

We just have to hope that our leaders manage to do the right thing, not just in talk, so we get to enjoy the fruits of our efforts when it finally happens.  If they get it wrong, we always have Lino of course, who will be sent to Heathrow with a statuette to carry out some cosmetic work on Gordon Browns face.

Fingers crossed everybody, we are going in.

23/12/2009

So this is Christmas.  And what have we done?  I can tell you what we haven’t done for starters!  But before we get all bitter and back stabbing, let us consider the Christmas spirit.  Mines a vodka <cue drum roll and symbol crash>.  I love the new words and phrases which creep into our language, and one has come along this Christmas which I have suffered from for years, ‘Slade fatigue’.  Throw in ‘Wizard’ for good measure and you can see why I shop on line.  Don’t worry I’m not turning into a grumpy old man (too late for that) as I do like the snow and ice – far better than the endless rain we seem to endure in this Island of ours.

So with Christmas only a few days away I hope you are feeling all festive and indulging monstrously. 

So have a good one and I’ll pop round later to collect.