21/01/2015

When I first moved upto London during the War – that’s Gulf War 2 – there weren’t too many cyclists around.  Now with road schemes and a push for greener transport there is a plethora of cyclists out there now.  All fine and well except for the tight outfits they tend to wear.  There is nothing worse than some chap cycling down the road with what looks like the ‘last Christmas turkey in the shop’ waving at you as he goes past.  Or some Lady nonchalantly mooching along with the Andromeda’s foot clearly outlined.

So should we win the lottery my chauffeur driven car can afford to have its windows tinted out to hide these abominations on our roads.

28/01/2015

A big congratulations to Mr Weston-Smith this week who celebrates a big milestone birthday this week.  As he is feeling old now, maybe we should take him down to Spearmints where a young lady could help him feel young again.

To make it topical, maybe match his age to the young lady’s chest size?  Speaking of losing weight, Champion pie eater and Ginsters shareholder Mr Coombes is also to be congratulated this week after he lost a few pounds.

And speaking of losing a few pounds, I’ll be round later to collect.  Also as it’s a rollover in the normal lottery tonight I’ll put £20 on from the tin.

Wish me luck!

04/02/2015

This week we discovered a few residents of a small town in the North put down ‘Satanists’ on their consensus form.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-derbyshire-31093186

It transpires there is an actual Church of Satan – no seriously – they even have a spokesman because he was quoted as objecting on the grounds that these people ‘think it is funny’.  Oh, do you think so?

Lovely touch by the Chairman of the local Council to suggest that whilst he knew nothing of Satanists in the area, maybe the local flower picking club and skipping merrily round a May pole may be linked to Devil worship.

Let’s hope we win the Lotto this week so we can leave this madness behind.

11/02/2015

With Europe still in financial trouble it seems only Britain and Germany are leading the race out of austerity.  This is probably because both are such miserable places to live that we might as well spend all day in an office because it’s so horrible outside.  Greece, Spain and Italy on the other hand……no wonder they are in so much pain.

We can instantly and spectacularly, lift ourselves out of austerity merely by getting 6 numbers right this Saturday.  Then we can move to the warmer Countries and live like Kings among the poor people.

18/02/2015

It’s been an interesting week, we learned that use of the word ‘Mong’ is in fact very offensive.  So much so that on its use an invitation to meet up the day after Monday was issued quite promptly.  Escalation ensued with the ultimate insult then being delivered – someone was actually, and on work premises too, referred to as a ‘Guardian reader’.  A cooling off period from this nuclear exchange is now in force.

I know I keep banging on about escaping to the sun but let’s face it, with Winter still here, our skin isn’t rain-hardened like those hardy Northern folk.  We are employed which means long hours in doors and no time to pop out to our local Moors with our athletic canines in tow.  So let’s win this thing so we can do business with Oil of Ulay and Thomas Cook.

25/02/2015

Short and sweet this week, let’s get the cash so we can celebrate in the nearest rammed chain pub – last one to down 15 Sambuca’s is a spawney Get.

18/03/2015

With budget day upon us and expectations managed to the point where no one’s bothered, it falls to us to take us to our own destinies.  With that in mind, this is our week – come Saturday, our 15 lines will land neatly to give us the fiscal advantage we have been waiting for.  This is our time, Summer come early.  Just for good measure I’m willing to go all pagan and claim the Solar eclipse as a sign from the Gods/Spirits (No Coombsey!  Put the vodka down!). 

See you in the Ferrari showroom on Monday.  

25/03/2015

Blimey what a week – the way it’s going we will either win big thanks to Karma or get further stuffed.

Either way the money would be nice…………….

01/04/2015

It is election time and it is looking like a stark choice between Tories and Labour.  I’m glad the team decided to create a balanced view for me by signing me up to both UKIP and The Guardian.  Whilst they are uneasy bed fellows, as you know, I’ll sleep with anybody.  All I ask is that you cast your vote for the lottery – cash is King in any language or Country across the World and with recession taking its time to end, getting rich now ahead of the pack is what we want.

08/04/2015

With Easter over and done with, we no longer have a need to gorge ourselves on chocolate, so it can be hard to think of why we might need a lump sum of cash.  Good job I am here to help you along with this one, especially as this week a load of pensioners were planning on cashing in their pension pots.  One sound 55 year old had decided to withdraw his and help his local church with a new roof.  Any leftover was going on a cruise.  None of that fickle paying-for-your-heating or reckless food bills for him in his old age.

This may not be everyone’s cup of tea, more like one step up from Baldrick’s giant turnip.  Still in the bleak mid-Winter in years to come, he can always shelter in God’s House.  Groupon may even have a deal on Hair shirts.

15/04/2015

Just got back from a quick jaunt over Hyde Park and what a lovely sight it was.  With my anti-slap eye protection in place (or sunglasses to the rest of you) I took in the hot sunshine and the smells of sun lotion mixed with chips to give that authentic Summer holiday feeling.  Great.

I may have got a bit too hot under the collars as it turned out as I think I may pen a bit now from my betties.

Still not bad for April, eh?

Let’s continue with the relaxation by getting some cash to go with that Summer feeling, be round shortly.

22/04/2015

Lots of topics in the news this week but I’ve already done some to death and others are too involved in death to even attempt to extract any sort of humour from them……so West Ham ticket pricing then for next year’s season is to be the cheapest while Arsenal remains highest at just over £2k.  This weekend, when we scoop the jackpot, this will be mere chump change to the likes of us.

Sometimes safe is best.  That’s why I’m wearing a condom.  Be round later to collect.

29/04/2015

Great news, we have only gone and won the lottery – seriously, we have scooped £7,864,529!  That’s an awesome £524,301.93 each!  How cool is that!

This is an email I’ve wanted to send out for ages but we have finally done it, woo, hoo!

Hold on, what’s that, Stephen Hawking?  We need to be in a parallel Universe to collect the winnings? Bugger, never a leap in Quantum physics around when you need one…….

We’ll have to make do with the £25 win instead.   

06/05/2015

Once more we wake up to a week of business as usual.  Sitting in our air-conditioned hell, looking forward to our next toilet breaks – playing the game of ‘will it or won’t it’ when we go through the toilet door to see if the cubicle is free or not – finding your eye lid start to twitch uncontrollably when you find, for the third time of asking, it’s still occupied (how long before the turtles head tries to escape really urgently?).

How long can we go on being the Puppets in the hands of money-obsessed Masters?  Time to become Masters of our own Universe and this is the week to do it.  I’ll be round to collect, soon the cash will flow the other way and what a day that will be.

13/05/2015

After the near excellent General election result, we now have an investor friendly Gov’t in place (I say near excellent as UKIP only got 1 seat and as for the SNP………).  With our high risk strategy in our Employer’s unofficial lottery fund we need all the help we can get.  

Socialism is a nice idea to get onside with the Ladies maybe, but once you’re in, you can ditch the ‘sensitive’ side and get back to making loads of cash and being a general b*stard.  In the real World, put Socialists in charge of a Desert and sooner or later there will be a sand shortage.  Now back to the Graudian to see what’s on the telly.

20/05/2015

With strike action looming next week the Lefties are reaping their revenge for a Tory victory in the election (sour grapes if you ask me). By not getting into power they were unable to b*gger the Country by spending loads of money we don’t have so have decided to hit hard working people trying to earn an honest day’s crust instead.  Not so me as it happens as I’ll be in Wales (thanks for lending me those waders, Dean!).  Should we get lucky, in a cash sense, then you can join me admiring coal faces of a different sort.

03/06/2015

Last week was my birthday, my Missus very nicely got me one of those Fitbits – the one with the heart rate monitor.  I had it setup pretty promptly and it was interesting watching my heart rate go up and down between 68 and 75bpm.  After 5 minutes or so I quickly struck on the idea that my Missus should stand by the end of the bed and strip off slowly so we could see how high we could make it go.  Sadly she wasn’t impressed with my suggestion, so looks like I’ll have to wait for that lottery win after all and the subsequent trip to the hotel with the Pros and drugs to test the limits……..

17/06/2015

With our poor form of recent, not to mention the last 12 years or so, you could be forgiven for thinking our Lottery Syndicate is one of the worst organisations to be a member of.  Not even a chance of getting bribed for example.  Some might get a bit disgruntled but look around at other organisations and you’ll think we have it good.  Al Qaeda, for example, are no longer the number 1 terror organisation they once were, having been taken over by ISIS, Boko Haram, North Korea and Network Rail. 

Better to think positive and so sticking with the news, it was cheering to hear the Philae lander was back in touch this week after a couple of months of silence from its comet landing place.  It turns out it would have been in touch earlier but the scientific robot was distracted by some properly fit female landers.  Though it later said that they had no place there and should be landing on ironing boards or kitchen sinks instead and to leave the comet landing to bloke robots.

24/06/2015

So don’t forget to go to the bank at lunchtime.  Good job we aren’t in Greece otherwise that might take some time.  Isn’t it funny that even though our economy, while doing well, is still just out of basket case range but we are still able to feel it’s fine to sneer at those worse off than us.  To put it another way, being totally snobby is great.  Let’s extend the feel good factor by nailing the lottery this week, it’s about time we did.

01/07/2015

It may be warm but the golden rule of Summer in this country is that you are not allowed to complain about the heat.  After 11 months and 2 weeks of moaning about the cold, the last thing I want to hear is someone banging on about it being ‘too hot’.  Spare a thought for me today as I take part in a spot of exercise in the Park this lunchtime as an attempt to get a bit fitter and tone up my ‘Dad bod’, glad I picked a day with nice blue skies…….

Should we actually do this lottery thing once and for all this weekend, I’ll be able to afford a personal trainer.  And some ear plugs.

08/07/2015

Some of you might be expecting some lefty rant against the tube strike that starts tonight but no.  I’m too busy celebrating the 1^st Tory budget in 20 years to get embroiled in so unseemly goings on.  Just bought a gold Sov with the tax savings…….

I’ll be round shortly to collect shortly and hopefully we can all corner the market in gold.

15/07/2015

I spent quite a lot of time in nearby Stevenage at the weekend, bit of shopping and a trip to the hospital (unrelated) and my Missus did a charity run.  The common theme running through these activities, and the theme of this weeks missive, were the people of Stevenage.  It was easy to see why the price of fruit and veg is so low at the moment, there is just no demand at all.  These people must thrive on ‘yellow dinners’.   We popped into the one of the supermarkets where the fresh produce aisles were as empty as a country road before we ventured onto the M25 during rush hour – namely the ready meal aisles or ‘ping food’ as the natives refer to it.

The area around is quite pretty and Countrified but is seems the sewers aren’t the only place to find fatbergs these days.

22/07/2015

This past week has been great news for Astronomers and the scientific community, and possibly mankind as a whole, as the pictures of Pluto came back to us last week completing a picture of the ‘classical’ 9 planets.  A literally stellar achievement and will greatly enhance our understanding of our local knowledge of the outer reaches of the Solar system.  Just goes to show how long term planning and approach can reap such great rewards.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

05/08/2015

Here we go again, shoe leather at the ready as the lefties take out there issues on us poor defenceless commuters.  Again.  Let’s hope the weather is as good as last time and my Fitbit is charged up so I can at least beat the Missus this week.

You’d think they would start organising Night Tubes in such a way that they agree all the details amongst themselves before sticking a date in the diary.  At least then there would be no need to strike costing the economy millions into the bargain, rather than this trip down memory lane to the 1970’s.  Inflation anyone?

Speaking of common sense, I’ll be round to collect on the cash later…….

19/08/2015

Bit quiet here in the office this week as last week’s good news sinks in.  Thankfully I’m here to cheer everyone up and (hopefully) deliver a stupendous wad of cash into the bargain.

At least we don’t work for Amazon!  You can see me coming thanks to natural daylight for example, even if the jokes this week are thin on the ground.

26/08/2015

With another Summer over with zero chance of getting skin cancer, everyone seems fed up and not refreshed.  Give it a couple of weeks and the kids will be back at school, yet another fortune to spend on school uniform and equipment.  The way my daughter concentrates, a Burger King uniform may be a better option. 

I even took her on a bike ride to Hatfield the other weekend so I could show how the poor people live to incentivise her but now she has a mental note on which underpass is the best place to go to get drugs from and made a comment about ‘everyone can afford Sky to their 50” plasmas’ as spotted through the net curtains.  The family car may be a transit but it’s got a ‘15’ plate.

Hopefully a decent win will allow me to live my life in luxury without the worries of the kids and their ‘street education’.  They will be packed off to boarding school.  That’ll learn them.

02/09/2015

It looks like the seasons have changed here in the UK.  We get Winter, then Spring, then a warm Winter followed by Autumn.  Grey and rainy is a constant feature, might as well go the whole hog and change the name of the country to Narnia.

Let’s win this lottery thing this week so we can invest in a suitable wardrobe to transport ourselves off to warmer climes.

09/09/2015

They say when England win at the football several millions of pounds is added to the economy as the feel good factor spurs everyone on.  Or at least no one is moping around muttering about another 70 years of hurt.  Personally I think the latter is just an excuse to skive as you only have to look how productive Scottish people are to see through this argument.

Maybe this is down to grey weather, with nothing else to do (like soak up some rays or run around in the warm Summer with a football) you might as well be in the office getting some work done.  Or giving me money to put on the lottery which will happen later today.

30/09/2015

After a lovely week in the sun I’m back (thanks Dean to handling the tickets in my absence).  I’m struggling to rant about anything at the mo every cloud seems to have a silver lining:-

·         Work wise – redundancies looming but free drinks at the Town hall tonight.

·         Arsenal doing badly in the Champions League but they always start badly every year and besides Hamilton is doing well in the F1.

·         Winter is coming but Halloween, Fireworks night and Xmas are all a good laugh with plenty of partying to be had.

·         We are all doomed from Global warming but Paris summit starts soon so hopefully leaders will listen to Mark Carney, Gov’nor of the Bank of England.

·         It’s only Wednesday today, soon be Friday.

See what I mean?  Maybe this is a sign that this is our week after all.  Be round to collect shortly.

07/10/2015

Following on from VW’s revelations regarding rogue software found in their cars, further checks on Audi’s have revealed a t*sser installed in the driver’s seat.

Random sampling by the Transport Road Research Laboratory of Audi driver personalities showed a 100% positive response.  Answers to the questionnaire were given as ‘I’m far too busy to answer these questions as I am on my way to a very important business meeting to do with mergers or something’ or ‘Out of my way, I’m supposed to be a the golf club, the one where they don’t just let anyone in’.  To compensate the rest of us these cars should be crushed, preferably while their owners watch.

Let’s hope we win this thing then we too can become self-important and talk loudly in the quiet carriage about shareholder meetings.

14/10/2015

After getting a million quotes, loudly, over the office telephone, our colleague Si, from Kent, hired local firm PolskiDemolition to knock down his kitchen wall but ended up disgusted when the builders arrived on time and began work, rathe than staring it at it for an hour.

Si said: “I’d bought a catering pack of teabags and a sack of sugar, but they bought there own flasks.  It felt like an imposition.

“You brace yourself for having to flush the tu*d of a complete stranger from your own toilet and they don’t even set foot in the house.

“I’m not sure what kind of cowboy-free outfit they’re trying to run.”

Si emailled his concerns to the company and was dismayed to receive a quick and friendly response that was not riddled with spelling mistakes and veiled threats. 

The firm offered to knock 10 percent off the quoted price, on the understanding it was paid by cheque so the correct tax could be deducted.

Si said: “My only hope is that the house falls down after 18 months like I’d expected.”

Let’s win the lottery so he can get right royally ripped off by builders of your choice in the future.

21/10/2015

Thanks goodness we are in the IT/finance sector as its clear the Gov’t has our back, not true for other industries this week as the government has confirmed there is absolutely nothing it can do to save the non-London-based steel industry. 

As thousands of redundancies in Redcar are followed by hundreds more in Scunthorpe, the business secretary said he wishes there was something he could do. 

Sajid Javid said: “Tragically, the industry has been hit by a perfect storm of being in the provinces, traditionally supporting Labour and not being financial services. 

“Add that to us not wanting to do anything that might offend our new Chinese friends, and there’s absolutely nothing we are prepared to do. 

“If only these plants manufactured something useful, like insurance derivatives supported by credit default swaps, then we’d gladly go billions into debt for them. 

“But steel? What’s that even for?”

Steelworker Roy Hobbs said: “People are over mass-produced steel anyway. I’m moving into artisanal hand-beaten bronze for the hipster market.”

Maybe our £2 will go toward a lottery grant for new brass instruments for the Steel works band, should we not win this week.

30/11/2015

Been off for a few days this week so will do my collection tour later today….

05/11/2015

Another week of the new lottery and the winnings appear to have become a lot slimmer.  The bonus of getting another lucky dip if you get 2 numbers is a bit mean in my book, what’s wrong with cold, hard cash?

I’ll be round to collect later today……

25/11/2015

When it comes to defining ‘Britishness’ as a nation we struggle.  ‘Englishness’ on the other hand is much easier as I was reminded this morning when I accidently was bumped into by an old friend at the station.  Normally I avoid anyone I know like the plague as there is nothing worse than having to put up with other peoples inane chatter on the commute in and out of work.  It’s bad enough having a bunch of random strangers invading your personal space, least of all with their bad breath/body odour/lack-of-ability-to-put-their-hand-over-their-mouths-when-they-cough as it is.  Honestly, when I look around at ‘other people’ I can’t help feeling the human race is doomed. 

That’s why we do the lottery, so I can with draw to the castle, lower the portcullis (only raising it to let Amazon deliveries in) and not have to put up with any of the above nonsense.

02/12/2015

We always hear how good woman are at multi-tasking but I am not so sure.  The amount of girls walking along normally then deciding to get there phone out to text/Facebook/selfie camera to check makeup and at that point they slow down to a crawl.  Bang!  Straight into the back of them!  10 points, get in there!

Speaking of rants and phones, I was sat next to a mouth breather on the train the other day when he gets a text.  Ping went his phone, so he starts texting back and he’s one of those irritating people who have not switched off the keyboard sounds.   Tap, tap, tap, ping! Tap, tap, tap, ping! Tap, tap, tap, ping!  It took me back to the 80’s and the sounds of an Olivetti type writer.  Thank the Lord for headphones is all I can say.

Give us your cash and I’ll get you out of your private commuter hell too.

09/12/2015

Xmas season is here with the Xmas parties starting now.  Last minute load of effort to finish off your work before the handbrake goes on and the hair comes down.  Don’t forget to get 2 plastic bags, one inside the other, into your school bags for those late night uh-oh-shouldn’t-have-had-that-Big-Mac-and-Fries-on-top-of-10-pints-of-lager moments. 

Help us to win big and get yourself a taxi home this Xmas.

16/12/2015

Xmas shopping season is in full swing now and with our credit cards glowing hotter than the Sun it’s a good time to bolster the coffers with a Lottery win.  Despite it being harder we did add £25 to our winnings the other week.  That’ll get us a Turkey leg and a few sprouts between us.

If anyone has any ideas on switching to a different lottery (i.e. the health lottery for instance) or maybe looking at Thunderball – ones which have better odds of winning maybe, I’m all ears.

23/12/2015

With the slow down at Christmas, thought I’d get the later train in this morning. A semi-stopper that picks up the hoi polloi that I quickly dubbed the ‘Pleb Express’.  The dross shuffling through the doors at each sorry stop had no concept of personal space/hygiene/noise pollution or manners of any kind.  ‘Ding!’, ‘Whoosh!’, ‘Beep!’ another ‘Beep!’, ‘click,click,click,click’ – just about everyone’s mobile phone went off unnecessarily at some point.  At one point the prolific cacophony of beeps and whistles had me convinced I was sitting next to R2-D2.  There is no doubt in my mind that these people exist for one reason only and that’s to provide some taxes for the Gov’t.  Struggling to think of any other to be honest.  That’ll learn me to keep my night shirt on for some extra winks in the morning (and yes I did spell that right). 

So let’s start the upcoming New Year with a win, 2016 is our year.